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Conquering the Midlife Haunts: Spooky Truths & Survival Tricks for Thriving

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As Halloween creeps up, it’s easy to get caught up in spooky stories and creepy costumes. But there’s one surprising reality that has nothing to do with Halloween: the midlife crisis. Like a ghost lurking in the shadows, this phase can sneak up on us, bringing intense self-reflection and unease. Suddenly, we’re haunted by questions about purpose, happiness, and “What comes next?” It’s enough to make anyone shiver! But here’s the treat: there are real ways to navigate and even thrive through this transformational time. So, let’s shed some light on the truths behind this phase and explore a few survival tricks to help you emerge stronger and more fulfilled.

The Ghosts of Midlife: Common Realities of a Midlife Crisis
A midlife crisis can arrive without warning, like a jump scare in a horror film. Women are just as likely as men to report distressful symptoms. For some, it’s triggered by the “empty nest” feeling when kids leave home; for others, it’s prompted by health changes or a career that suddenly feels stagnant. Not everyone experiences this temporary phase in life that typically occurs between the ages of 45-64. It can last several years and might look different depending on gender and life circumstances. Here are a few common, scary realities that some people experience:

  •  Existential Dread: Many face deep questions about their purpose, leading to feelings of sadness or regret over things not accomplished. This “haunting” feeling of “Is this all there is?” can be unnerving and hard to shake.
  •  Physical Changes: The physical changes that accompany midlife—like wrinkles, gray hair, or slower energy—can feel like the aging process is speeding up, which can lower self-esteem and confidence.
  • Relationship Shifts: Long-term relationships may start to feel stale, leading to feelings of loneliness or disconnection. For some, this period includes contemplating big changes, like divorce, which can feel like stepping into a whole new, uncertain life.
  • Career Stagnation: Work that once felt fulfilling may now seem dull or without meaning. People often feel trapped in their jobs, leading to a sense of regret for dreams left unpursued.

Tools for Surviving and Thriving Through Your Midlife Crisis
Unlike some Halloween thrillers, a midlife crisis doesn’t have to end with an unhappy ending. By adopting coping strategies and making intentional changes, you can break free from fear and build a satisfying, purposeful life. Here are some tools to help you thrive:

  • Embrace Mindfulness and Meditation: Practicing mindfulness helps you manage stress and quiet the noisy, negative thoughts that come with a midlife crisis. Start with short meditation sessions, focusing on breathing to calm your mind and embrace the present moment.
  • Set New, Attainable Goals: Whether it’s learning a new skill, taking up a hobby, or setting a fitness goal, having something to strive for can help replace feelings of stagnation with purpose. Think of this time as an opportunity to redefine yourself, instead of focusing on what you feel is “lost.”
  • Prioritize Physical Health: With age, it’s essential to keep your body in good shape. Exercise, eat nutritious food, and ensure you’re getting enough sleep. Physical wellness can improve your mood, energy levels, and mental clarity, making the challenges of midlife feel less daunting.
  •  Seek Support and Connection: Talking to a therapist or joining a support group can help you feel less alone in your journey. Sometimes, just knowing others are facing similar fears can be a comfort. Support systems can also offer valuable perspectives and coping strategies.
  • Reevaluate Your Relationships: This is the perfect time to reconnect with loved ones or, if necessary, set boundaries that make space for your own growth. Whether it’s deepening your bond with family or finding new friendships, strong relationships are key to navigating a midlife crisis.

Embrace Transformation, Not Fear
While a midlife crisis can feel like a Halloween horror show, it’s also a time of transformation. By facing these fears and using the tools above, you can come out of it feeling renewed and confident, ready to thrive in the next chapter of your life. Instead of seeing this time as something to fear, see it as an opportunity to reflect, reset, and rediscover yourself—because sometimes the scariest journeys lead to the most rewarding destinations.

Movie Magic & Mental Health: Surprising Ways Movies Make Us Feel Good

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I’ve always been fascinated by the magic of movies! You know how life can sometimes feel like a roller-coaster with all its stress and uncertainty? Then you go to a movie or watch one of your favorites on TV and suddenly you’re whisked away to these incredible worlds where anything is possible. Like, remember those breathtaking scenes in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000), or the old-timey charm of Casablanca (1943)? They’re like a mini-vacation for your mind, giving you a break from the daily grind. It’s pretty cool when you think about it!

But movies aren’t just about escaping reality; they can be like little treasure troves of wisdom. You know how we always talk about learning from experiences? Well, some movies can be like crash courses in life lessons. In my book Blockbuster Love: Lessons from the Movies on How to Create Lasting Love, I explore how the themes and lessons found in film can enrich our relationships and enhance our well-being. Whether it’s picking up relationship tips (do’s and don’ts) from a rom-com or feeling inspired by characters overcoming obstacles, there’s always something to take away. Movies can shift our perspectives and help us find meaning and inspiration in our own lives.

And to add to this—movies are emotional powerhouses! They can make you laugh, cry, and everything in between. When we connect with those characters on screen, it’s like we’re tapping into our feelings, which is pretty therapeutic if you ask me. Having a good cry during a sad movie is like hitting the emotional reset button. Our tears release pain and stress and help regulate our nervous system. That’s why we can feel so much better after a good cry.

When we feel empathetic during a movie, it’s like we’re practicing for real-life situations. We become better at understanding how others might feel or what they might be going through. And that’s gold for relationships. I mean, think about it—when you can really get where others are coming from, it’s unifying— like you’re speaking the same language.

But here’s the real kicker: movies have this amazing ability to shine a light on mental health issues without making it feel heavy or scary. Seeing characters dealing with their own struggles is like a reminder that we’re not alone in this journey, and it’s okay to ask for help when we need it.

Movies don’t just make us feel good; they make us want to do good too. Ever watched a film where the underdog comes out on top, and you’re suddenly feeling all inspired? Yeah, that’s the magic of movies pushing us to be our best selves. And when we watch great movies with friends, we not only feel all warm and fuzzy inside but we build bonds and community, and that sense of connection is priceless.

From providing an escape from day-to-day stress to encouraging empathy, inspiring hope, or having a good cry, movies have the power to uplift and help with healing in surprisingly creative ways. So the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed or in need of a pick-me-up, consider watching your favorite film—it just might be the magic your heart and mind need.

Facing Regrets

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Lessons About Fear, Poor Communication and Missed Opportunities

Last night, my husband and I went to see the movie The Photograph. If you haven’t seen it yet, you might want to check it out before reading this post, but I will try to avoid major spoilers. Although I mistakenly went into this movie expecting more of a romantic comedy, I was not disappointed with the overall story and performances in this romantic drama. I not only greatly appreciated the representation of Black love on the big screen, but I also enjoyed the thematic elements used to illustrate this budding love story.

In the movie, Issa Rae’s character (Mae) receives a letter from her recently deceased mother and is processing her loss and the history of their complex mother-daughter relationship. As Mae struggles to understand her mother as a famous photographer and a woman she really didn’t know, she meets Michael, played by Lakeith Stanfield. Michael is getting over a recent break-up and is a reporter that happens to be investigating a story in Louisiana, which is Mae’s mother’s hometown. In his pursuit of information for his story, he interviews longtime resident, Isaac, played by Rob Morgan. Isaac reveals to Michael his own sense of regret and shows Michael the photograph of his lost love, Christiana (Mae’s mother), played by Chanté Adams. The intertwining of these two love stories is poignant and reveals heartfelt truths about the impact of fear, lack of communication and missed opportunities in romantic relationships.

As human beings we all experience fear at different times and to varying degrees. Fear is our body’s natural response to perceived danger. In relationships, the perceived threat of emotional pain that may come from rejection and loss of connection can be enough to disrupt and interfere with any chance of lasting love. In the film Isaac feared change, Christiana feared stagnation, Mae feared becoming her mother and not knowing how to love, and Michael feared making mistakes and not knowing what to say. The way we navigate our fears is directly tied to our sense of peace and wellbeing. Just as the characters in the film, we all make choices.  In doing so, it’s important that we wisely evaluate risks and benefits in light of what is true about who we are and who we are becoming. Fear is not all bad. It can provide valuable information for us. However, it is important to see it for what is and not allow ourselves to be solely ruled by it.

Poor communication is also the culprit of many mishaps and regrets. Sometimes what’s not said is just as problematic as what is said. This fact shows up many times throughout the movie. In an effort not to spoil the plot I won’t get into details. However, it’s safe to say that all the characters suffered from not practicing honest and clear communication. Reasons for this can also be tied to fear, insecurity and lack of awareness. The good news is communication skills can be learned and do not have to be the downfall of a relationship. Again, open and honest communication can provide information and an opportunity for us to make informed choices and experience growth and maturity.

Lamenting missed opportunities can be a source of great emotional pain. Michael ends up writing an article entitled Loss, and that is exactly the feeling that is often described in response to perceived missed opportunities. We grieve the loss of what we think might have been. We tell ourselves a story of greener grass on the other side and regret our choices and decisions. Beating ourselves up over the past is not helpful, but learning from it and moving on with wisdom is the best we can do. It’s important to recognize that no one is perfect. And on our human journey, we are all trying to do the best with the information, resources and set of experiences we have at the given time. This recognition not only helps reduce some of our fears and improve our communication with others, but it also allows for self-compassion and compassion toward others that results in a greater sense of peace and harmony in our relationships and our world.

If you are experiencing distress in your relationships and would like to speak with a therapist please call 818-806-9170 to schedule a free 10-minute phone consultation.

To purchase a copy of Lisa Locke’s book Blockbuster Love – Part1: Romance: Lessons from the Movies on How to Create Lasting Love, click here. If you would like to be on the waiting list for the upcoming book Blockbuster Love – Part2: Reality: Lessons from the Movies on How to Create Lasting Love, like the Blockbuster Love Facebook page or view my website at LisaLockeMFT.com

Solving Marital Conflict

5 STEPS to Resolving Marital Conflict

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Conflict has a way of spiraling, and that spiral can continue to get worse until the damage can become irrevocable. The results of unresolved conflict can have negative effects on those around you, especially children. Marriages that work tend to practice positive conflict resolution skills – which moves things forward instead of pulling them back or causing the relationship to stagnate. Here are 5 STEPS to practice:

  • State the problem clearly – Don’t fight about fuzzy things, be specific about what the conflict is over. Muddying the water with lots of issues is not at all productive, and is only destructive.
  • Talk through possible solutions – Keeping the conflict solution based will ensure that you’re actually moving towards a resolution instead of just going around in circles. Each person should offer up possible solutions.
  • Exercise self-control – This can be challenging, especially when emotions are high. You will be tempted to pursue things that aren’t part of the current issue. And perhaps tempted to say things that aren’t helping but that feel good in the moment. For the sake of your relationship, take a time out if necessary and practice self control.
  • Pick a solution to try – Choose one solution to try. Anything, it doesn’t have to be perfect and it doesn’t have to absolutely please everyone. Just agreeing to decide on one course of action can help move you closure together and reduce some emotional stress.
  • See how it works – Be open to a solution actually working. Don’t stay trapped in the current situation through sabotage or by having a negative attitude. Even if it wasn’t your idea or the idea that you thought was best, give it a chance and if it doesn’t work, try something else.

Following these STEPS can be easy at times, but it can also be difficult. Sometimes an impartial third party with professional experience can help couples manage emotions and improve communication . If you are finding it challenging to manage conflicts, couples therapy can help. Don’t wait or let frustrations pile up. Learn the skills you need to help restore peace.

Before you get married, love, marriage

7 Things You Should Know Before You Get Married

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We often put SO much focus on the wedding day that we rarely consider what’s coming later in the marriage itself. The marriage is what it’s about! So before you jump in, or get carried away with dresses and honeymoons, read over these 7 marriage essentials.

  • Marriage is risky business – It is often said that with great risk there is great reward. But sometimes, especially if you are not prepared, things can go sideways and upside down quickly. That’s just a fact. This doesn’t mean that you should be paralyzed by fear, but it does mean that you need to realize that there are no guarantees. And you might consider investing in pre-marital counseling to help identify and prepare for possible risks while strengthening your loving bond and commitment.
  • Marriage is work – Not only does it take work, but the union of two imperfect and evolving people is a work in progress. It doesn’t come easy. But it does not have to be burdensome. Like any great work of art, the work of marriage can be a creative and exciting transfer of energy that ignites growth and improves the quality of your life. You will have to put effort into it to make it happen, a whole lot more than you might imagine.
  • Marriage is not a fairy tale – There is no mythical happily ever after. Yes there can be great moments of happiness and a deep feeling of contentment, but the story does not end there. Unlike fairy tales, marriage is a continuous journey of ups and downs and everything in between.
  • Marriage is the joining of two individuals – Losing yourself is not a requirement for marriage. In fact it’s about valuing yourself enough to show up authentically in a loving and respectful way that fosters love, acceptance and growth. It’s about staying true to who you are while being part of something bigger than yourself.
  • Marriage involves more than just two people – There are the in-laws, the friends, the kids, the boss. All these relationships have an impact on you and will also have an impact in your married life. In marriage you get it all.
  • Marriage is an adventure – You’re creating as story together! One that will constantly be changing and evolving. It’s OK to make edits along the way. You may need to learn some new skills to fully embrace and enjoy this adventure of a lifetime.
  • Marriage can be very rewarding – There’s almost nothing better than sharing your life with someone. There’s a reason that so many people do it! Be ready for the good stuff, because if you are open, realistic, willing to work and to give of yourself, the rewards are immense!
Improve Communicaton, relationships, conflict in relationships

7 Ways to Improve Communication

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Ever feel like you’re not quite sure how a conversation got so out of hand? Maybe you started talking about plans to visit your mother and ended up in a yelling match about something that happened years ago. Sometimes you can feel like the person you are talking to is from another planet. And this is not because either of you looks or acts strange, but because you just can’t understand what the other is saying, or more importantly, what they mean by the words coming out of their mouth.

At times communication can be very challenging. This is partially due to the fact that in every relationship there are 3 interdependent entities at work that all need to be considered at the same time. These entities are namely–I, You and Us. The agenda of all these entities is to avoid pain and be understood, but often the approaches taken to accomplish this is what causes problems. Our style of managing conflict depends on how we have learned to cope and deal with pain.

The “I” part of a relationship is filled with thoughts and feelings that are filtered through a unique history and set of experiences that affect what is heard and how it is heard. For example if I had a bad day at work and when I get home the first question my spouse asks is “What’s for dinner,” depending on the tone of the question, my response will be based on how I process that question through my own emotional filter of sadness or frustration. In that simple question I might have heard “I am not important” or “I am a failure” or “I am inadequate.” The “I” in this situation might hear this message as a result of past personal pain that was triggered by events at work. In an effort to avoid pain, the “I” will practice coping behaviors that were learned long before “I” met “You.” And “I’s” response could result in behaviors that include things like getting angry, crying, criticizing or shutting down. These styles of coping generally fall under the category of blaming, shaming, controlling or escaping.

Likewise the “You” has its own set of thoughts, feelings and experiences that act as a filter and affect what is said and understood. In the same scenario, suppose “You” felt hungry and was looking forward to having a meal together and wanted I’s input. In this case I’s response could be quite confusing. In this situation, based on your partner’s history of personal pain, I’s response might have been interpreted by “You” as “I’m not safe” or “I am unworthy.”  As a result, the “You” might try to avoid pain by using sarcasm, manipulation, nagging or avoiding. The thoughts and responses of both I and You feed into painful feelings which escalate conflict and create a cycle of miscommunication for Us.

This third entity, Us, is a culmination of shared experiences. The Us processes information based on history together and can be triggered by non-verbal as well as verbal cues. Have you ever just had a sense that “We’re about to have an argument?” That’s the Us sensing danger and preparing to avoid pain. The Us is greatly influenced by the independent experiences of “I” and “You” as well as the give and take experiences between the two. The cycle created through these experiences with giving and receiving information becomes the learned coping style of Us. So not only is communication influenced by what I say, hear and understand based on my unique set of experiences, but it is also impacted by what You say, hear and understand and what was felt and experienced by Us.

You’re probably thinking –“No wonder it’s so complicated!” And because relationships thrive on communication it’s important to make every effort to get it right. Especially when a message that is misunderstood or a non-verbal cue that is misread can cause problems that can escalate quickly. So if you’re feeling a conflict or a disconnection, then try remembering the simple phrase and 7 letter acronym I LOVE US. It can help you regulate your own emotions and be a quick positive reminder to stay on track while helping you improve communication.

  • I – I have my own thoughts, feelings and reactions. Ask yourself these questions: What am I feeling and why? What do I tend to do when I feel this way and what reaction do I usually get? Is that the reaction I want? What do I want & need? What can I do differently?
  • Listen – Listen to your answers and listen to your spouse’s pain. This can be challenging so take a breath and a longer pause than you might be used to. Allow the other person to get their thoughts completely out without interruption or feeling rushed. Listen to understand rather than to just reply.
  • Observe – Observe your own feelings and your partner’s body language without reacting, almost as if you were watching a movie. Observe without criticism to gain information.
  • Validate – Acknowledge the other person’s feelings by paraphrasing what you hear. This shows that you are listening and seek to understand. For example: “I hear you saying you feel exhausted because you had a hard day at work. Is that right?”
  • Express – If what you hear is correct then express compassion and/or offer to help. You can also express your thoughts and feelings in a constructive and respectful way using the US part of the acronym.
  • Use “I” Statements – Phrase everything from your point of view, and really hold yourself to not using the word “you.” It sounds ridiculously simple, but it’s incredibly powerful. This puts the focus on what you’re feeling and thinking, rather than assuming or accusing.
  • Say what you mean & Stay on the Subject – When tempers rise it’s easy to say things you don’t really mean. Take a breath. Think before you speak and only say what you mean and what is relevant to the topic. Words can’t be taken back.

Although this tool can be easy to remember it does take practice and might require the help of a therapist to aid in creating positive lasting change. Don’t be hard on yourselves. Take a time out to avoid escalating conflicts when necessary and seek professional help when needed.

Wishing you Blockbuster Love Always,