Category Archives: Relationships

Create lasting relationships, making relationships last, love, relationships

7 Secrets for Lasting Love

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How can love last for a lifetime? It’s not as complex as you might think, though at times it’s not easy either.

  1. Express physical love daily – Every single day do something that connects you physically in a positive way. This can be as little as a quick kiss or as lovely as a long bath together. Sex is great, but don’t limit yourself to only one way to express physical love. Explore new opportunities to bring each other pleasure. Cuddle for just a moment, linger in a hug, hold hands, keep that physical relationship alive.
  2. Make goals together – Your life together will only be together if you plan your future that way. Certainly have your own goals too, but the broad vision of your life must be a shared one.
  3. Give and Take – You’re just not going to get your way all of the time. On big things, on small things, on lots and lots of things. It’s important to have a loving balance of giving and receiving that is not out of obligation or fear.
  4. Spend time together – Do this more than you might think that you need to. Plan weekly date nights. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, just focus on spending quality time together. The more time you spend together, the closer you’ll grow.
  5. Spend time apart – Spending some time alone or with friends is just as important as spending time together. Maybe plan a girls or guys night out once a month. Expecting your partner to provide all your interpersonal needs can put a strain on the relationship. Nourish yourself in healthy ways so you can contribute to the health to the relationship.
  6. Communicate – This can’t be said enough. If couples are not talking, listening and understanding each other, problems are bound to occur. If necessary, work on improving your communication skills in therapy. Check in with your partner daily. Make time to express thoughts and feelings. And really listen!
  7. Commit – Lasting love is a choice. It takes work. But like anything else you desire to achieve, it is possible with dedicated effort. When both parties decide to make this a goal and commit to making the relationship a priority, especially through tough times, then love can last forever.

The Best Gift to Give at Christmas

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The holidays are here and I have no idea what to get my husband for Christmas. It doesn’t help that he tends to go shopping for himself right before Christmas, his birthday and father’s day which limits my choices and is the source of mild frustration. As a matter of fact, he just walked in from the mall with the very thing I was considering getting for him. Arghhh!

If you’re at all like me and hate crowded malls and sometimes agonize to find the perfect gifts for family and friends, then maybe you can sympathize. Today as I sat scouring the internet for gift ideas, the thought occurred to me that perhaps others are really struggling with this time-honored tradition of gift giving and receiving at this time of year. Or maybe some of you are worried that you will not receive the gift you are hoping for and have trouble trusting and waiting.

Gift giving and receiving, particularly during the holidays, can bring joy but can also be stressful. For some, the mere thought of what to buy someone can trigger anxiety, guilt, or even fear. For others, not getting a desired gift can lead to disappointment, anger, blame and arguments. On the flip side, sometimes being showered with gifts can trigger feelings of unworthiness and lead to shaming behaviors. Financial issues can add an additional layer of stress and shame to what is termed to be “The most wonderful time of the year.” So why all this tension and stress around something seemingly simple that can bring so much cheer? And what can be done to alleviate it?

Looking through the lens of the Restoration Therapy model, these distressful feelings can often be traced to our childhood. Did someone reject an expression of our love or violate our trust in our formative years? For me, I remember dreading participation in gift exchanges in elementary school. My family did not have a lot of money when I was growing up and there were times when the gifts I offered at school were ridiculed by peers. There were other times I spent more than I could afford and was disappointed with what I received. These experiences caused me to second guess myself and question the safety of gift giving in relationships. As a result, I learned to cope with feelings of inadequacy by shaming myself through unnecessary apologies and being negative. I internalized the sensed rejection of my gift or the unequal reciprocation to mean something was wrong with me. As an adult, sometimes when faced with gift giving or receiving I tend to experience the same dysregulating feelings of inadequacy and enact the same negative coping behaviors. This usually results in “perceived” criticism from others (i.e. “You shouldn’t have.”) which only feeds more into my feelings of inadequacy. In restoration therapy this pattern is referred to as a pain cycle. When we experience a violation of love or trust we create meaning about our identity and/or safety. This meaning we create drives our actions and influences how we cope. The way others respond to our actions feeds back into our painful feelings. So in essence it’s never about the gifts but what they represent to us based on our past pain. It’s about the meaning we attach to them and thoughts we create about ourselves. The good news is we can also create new thoughts and feelings to break the pain cycle.

A good place to start is by gifting yourself with love and compassion, recognizing your cycle of pain and practicing what Professor Terry Hargrave calls your peace cycle. This is done by following these 4 simple steps:

  • Say what you feel…I feel unworthy
  • Say what you tend to do when you feel that way…When I feel unworthy I shame myself by being overly negative and apologetic
  • Say your truth…The truth is I am worthy of love & acceptance and I love & accept myself
  • Say what you will do differently…Therefore I will give freely with joy without apology and accept gifts with gratitude

Although I’m still not sure what I will get my husband for Christmas, I am certain that as I practice my peace cycle my emotions calm and I’m reminded that the greatest gift is love. Love keeps on giving and for this I am forever grateful.

May you experience peace as you choose to give and receive the gift of love to yourself and others this holiday season and always.

Happy Holidays!

Marriage and Money, Manageing money in marriage

Money Matters

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Money management is a top cause of relationship failures. The reason is that people have vastly different expectations of how money should be managed depending on their background and economic status. The main thing with money, just as with everything else in relationships, is to have open and honest communication. That’s easy to say! Here are some expert tips for managing money within a relationship that can benefit any couple.

  • Set guidelines and either stick to them or renegotiate, don’t let resentment build.
  • Allow for some financial freedom for everyone. It can be $10 or $500, but that ability to make decisions separately is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships. It contributes to the feeling that everyone has a separate worth.
  • Don’t hide spending habits. Ever. This is non-negotiable. Make it clear that any mistakes can be worked through and that you can make it work as partners, so that everyone is comfortable being honest.
  • Get real about your money. Set boundaries and live within them, so that excess spending doesn’t leave you regretting something. Never make big purchases without consulting your partner.
  • Money is not a weapon, don’t use it like one in your relationship or you’ll just skewer yourself.
  • If you find that you and your partner are arguing about money, take a step back and ask yourself – is this fight really over money or something else? It’s easy to use finances as a scapegoat.
Reasons to date your spouse, dating after marriage

Dating After Marriage: 7 Reasons to Date Your Spouse

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Dating doesn’t stop just because you tie the knot!

  1. Dating is fun - People love dating for a reason: it’s fun! You’re doing new things, enjoying old things, making memories. Why not keep doing it?
  2. Dating builds love - Dating helped to build the loving relationship that you have now, and if you keep doing it then it will continue to build for as long as you date your spouse.
  3. Dating refocuses you - Couples can often struggled to get time together that’s not focused on some activity that keeps life going (work, kids, housekeeping,) Dating lets you press the reset button on stress and anxiety from life.
  4. Dating add spice - Dating reconnects those romantic sparks in your relationship. It encourages you to be attracted to your spouse and gives you the opportunity to have that physical connection that’s so important.
  5. Dating shows care - After a long time together, couples don’t always work to impress their partners. Dating encourages you to put effort into yourself for them.
  6. Dating reminds you - Sometimes we need to be reminded of why we fell in love with our spouse, when times are hard and life is getting in the way. Dating brings those feel good memories back and reminds you of why you love your spouse.
  7. Dating keeps it fresh - When you do something together, you’re expanding your relationship. A new movie or a new restaurant keeps your life together fresh and interesting, though your life is full of routine.
How to fight fair, managing confict, arguments in relationships

Fighting Fair: 3 Traps to Avoid in an Argument

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Every couple argues, and in fact it can be a good thing for relationships. Arguments can relieve tension, solve problems and allow us to talk about important aspects of life. But not all arguments are created equal. If you want to keep your relationship going well, then steer clear of the following three argument traps.

  • Blame – There’s a difference in holding someone accountable and blaming them. When you blame someone, you’re doing it out of your need to not be accountable. Blame is never constructive and doesn’t help couples to move forward.
  • Sarcasm – When you use sarcasm, you’re not trying to solve a problem. It’s never helpful and it almost always turns a normal argument into an emotional one. We generally do this because our own feelings are hurt, and just like blame it only makes things worse – even if the sting might feel good in the moment.
  • Name calling – Just don’t do it. In that moment it might feel great, but it only causes unnecessary hurt feelings and you can’t take it back. It’s disrespectful. When that thought comes into your mind, don’t speak it.

Remember – the purpose of an argument is not to show how horrible you can be to your partner or how much you can hurt them, but to discuss issues and to allow your relationship to move in a positive direction toward deeper connection.

Marriage, Relationships, Love, Lasting relationships

For Better and Worse: 4 Principles of Love

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These four principles of love are what great, lasting relationships are made of.

  • Forgiveness – Letting go of pain can be difficult. It takes work. Stuff has happened in the past that hurt you, and you have every right to be upset. Forgiveness is a process that’s more about the betterment of your life and relationship than it is about letting someone off the hook.
  • Faith – Believe in the best of your partner. When relationships go south is when people start believing in the worst of their partner – you must have faith in their goodness and their ability to do right by you.
  • Fidelity – Cheating breaks trust. This doesn’t mean that you never look at another person, that you’re never attracted to anyone else or that you never think about past loves, it means that you’re honest with yourself and your partner about these feelings before they become reality.
  • Fun – Life is more enjoyable when you can have some fun. There are fun moments in all of our lives, even during the hard times. Look for those! Share them with your partner! Make an effort to have fun with your partner and you’ll create joy.