Category Archives: Marriage

Solving Marital Conflict

5 STEPS to Resolving Marital Conflict

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Conflict has a way of spiraling, and that spiral can continue to get worse until the damage can become irrevocable. The results of unresolved conflict can have negative effects on those around you, especially children. Marriages that work tend to practice positive conflict resolution skills – which moves things forward instead of pulling them back or causing the relationship to stagnate. Here are 5 STEPS to practice:

  • State the problem clearly – Don’t fight about fuzzy things, be specific about what the conflict is over. Muddying the water with lots of issues is not at all productive, and is only destructive.
  • Talk through possible solutions – Keeping the conflict solution based will ensure that you’re actually moving towards a resolution instead of just going around in circles. Each person should offer up possible solutions.
  • Exercise self-control – This can be challenging, especially when emotions are high. You will be tempted to pursue things that aren’t part of the current issue. And perhaps tempted to say things that aren’t helping but that feel good in the moment. For the sake of your relationship, take a time out if necessary and practice self control.
  • Pick a solution to try – Choose one solution to try. Anything, it doesn’t have to be perfect and it doesn’t have to absolutely please everyone. Just agreeing to decide on one course of action can help move you closure together and reduce some emotional stress.
  • See how it works – Be open to a solution actually working. Don’t stay trapped in the current situation through sabotage or by having a negative attitude. Even if it wasn’t your idea or the idea that you thought was best, give it a chance and if it doesn’t work, try something else.

Following these STEPS can be easy at times, but it can also be difficult. Sometimes an impartial third party with professional experience can help couples manage emotions and improve communication . If you are finding it challenging to manage conflicts, couples therapy can help. Don’t wait or let frustrations pile up. Learn the skills you need to help restore peace.

Before you get married, love, marriage

7 Things You Should Know Before You Get Married

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We often put SO much focus on the wedding day that we rarely consider what’s coming later in the marriage itself. The marriage is what it’s about! So before you jump in, or get carried away with dresses and honeymoons, read over these 7 marriage essentials.

  • Marriage is risky business – It is often said that with great risk there is great reward. But sometimes, especially if you are not prepared, things can go sideways and upside down quickly. That’s just a fact. This doesn’t mean that you should be paralyzed by fear, but it does mean that you need to realize that there are no guarantees. And you might consider investing in pre-marital counseling to help identify and prepare for possible risks while strengthening your loving bond and commitment.
  • Marriage is work – Not only does it take work, but the union of two imperfect and evolving people is a work in progress. It doesn’t come easy. But it does not have to be burdensome. Like any great work of art, the work of marriage can be a creative and exciting transfer of energy that ignites growth and improves the quality of your life. You will have to put effort into it to make it happen, a whole lot more than you might imagine.
  • Marriage is not a fairy tale – There is no mythical happily ever after. Yes there can be great moments of happiness and a deep feeling of contentment, but the story does not end there. Unlike fairy tales, marriage is a continuous journey of ups and downs and everything in between.
  • Marriage is the joining of two individuals – Losing yourself is not a requirement for marriage. In fact it’s about valuing yourself enough to show up authentically in a loving and respectful way that fosters love, acceptance and growth. It’s about staying true to who you are while being part of something bigger than yourself.
  • Marriage involves more than just two people – There are the in-laws, the friends, the kids, the boss. All these relationships have an impact on you and will also have an impact in your married life. In marriage you get it all.
  • Marriage is an adventure – You’re creating as story together! One that will constantly be changing and evolving. It’s OK to make edits along the way. You may need to learn some new skills to fully embrace and enjoy this adventure of a lifetime.
  • Marriage can be very rewarding – There’s almost nothing better than sharing your life with someone. There’s a reason that so many people do it! Be ready for the good stuff, because if you are open, realistic, willing to work and to give of yourself, the rewards are immense!
Abusive relationships, power and control, domestic violence

Healthy Relationships Are Never Abusive

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Leslie’s Story

I was reminded of Leslie’s story and the horrifying statistics about violence against women as I listened to the recent heartbreaking news report of a special education teacher that was fatally shot, while in her classroom, by her estranged husband. A sad truth is that many stories like these go untold, unnoticed and are repeated day after day. It could happen to any of us ­­– your sister, your mother, your daughter, a friend or you. Some men are victims too. Here’s one woman’s story that did not make the news.

It was a cold day in the city. So 30 year old Leslie* borrowed her mother’s heavy coat as she headed out to work. She ventured out in confidence, believing her estranged husband was behind bars for disturbing the peace and making verbal threats against her life a few nights before. Little did she know that her abuser had gotten out on bail and decided to discreetly follow and violently confront her with a deadly weapon.

Sadly, Leslie’s story is not uncommon. Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten. Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.[i]

Many times these cases involve red flag issues surrounding power and control that can destroy even non-violent relationships. What’s interesting is that frequently the actions that result from this power and control dynamic are not caused by a sense of over-importance, but are instead driven by fear, vulnerability and incompleteness. We all want to feel loved and desired in a deep, instinctual way. But when some people don’t think they have access to those emotions and make destructive choices based on their uncontrolled emotions that may have been influenced by poor role models or past trauma, then they might lash out and create a dangerously controlling and negative environment.

This was Leslie’s story. She had been married for 4 years too long and had attempted to run away from her abuser several times during their tumultuous relationship. Each time she ran away she was followed and out of fear, lured back into the cycle of violence. She thought this time was different because she ran far away to another city and had the courage to tell her story to family and the police. But as often is the case, things got worse before they got better. Her abuser was not derailed by distance and attacked her with a knife at a train station. Her coat was soaked with blood, her vision impaired and she was left with permanent scars. Thankfully she found help and is now free of the abuse and lived to tell her story. But not everyone survives.

Power and control are serious issues in a relationship, and can severely escalate down the line. If your partner is showing any of the signs of power and control in the cycle of violence, then it’s time to seek help immediately. In Chapter 3 of my book Blockbuster Love – Lessons from the Movies on How to Create Lasting Love: Part 1 Romance, I discuss the lesson that love is not obsession. “Sometimes…people mistake intense infatuation for being deeply and ‘crazy in love.’ Often these impulsive feelings are used as justification for the strength of their love when in fact it may suggest more of the intensity of their loneliness or fear of being alone. This can also lead to obsession.” It can also lead to desires to control another person and actions that support those desires.

Here are some warning signs to look out for:

  • Coercion and threats
  • Isolation
  • Emotional abuse
  • Verbal abuse
  • Deny, blame and minimizing
  • Punishing behaviors
  • Economic abuse
  • Intimidation
  • Shame, guilt and/or fear

Healthy relationships are never abusive. If you’re concerned about yourself or someone that you know being in an abusive relationship, seek help now! Call 911 or you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit their website at http://www.thehotline.org/ for more information. Your life is valuable. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help.

*Name and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individual.

[i] http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics/

 

Myths about love, Love, Relationships

Living In La La Land & Other Myths About Love

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Still in my pajamas from the night before, I sat tearfully disillusioned on my therapist’s couch. I had no energy to dress myself that day but somehow mustered just enough strength and courage to drive myself across town to seek answers, gain clarity and figure out the pieces of my life. As I stared out the floor-to-ceiling window of the office, I could see the Hollywood Hills in the distance. “What are you thinking right now,” my therapist asked.  I replied, “I’m thinking I don’t want to live in La La Land anymore.”

That was over 10 years ago, but I remember making that statement with two meanings in mind. On one hand, I was thinking I’m tired of living in a town that seems to glorify the fake, make empty promises that build your hopes then discards you like a used tissue. On the other hand, I was also thinking I’m tired of being lied to and closing my ears to the truth. You see at that time in my life I was struggling to make sense of life’s disappointments. I was questioning love and my husband’s Hollywood “deferred” dreams that were contributing to stress in our marriage. For me, moving to Hollywood was all about supporting my husband’s screenwriting career. And in the process, I began to have some Hollywood dreams of my own. After a lot of rejection and delays, I began to feel a bit like Mia in the movie La La Land when she said “Maybe I’m not good enough! Maybe it’s like a pipe dream.”

Several years ago my husband wrote a book entitled What I Wish I Knew before I Moved to Hollywood. In it he chronicled his journey in the City of Stars. When I saw the movie La La Land I immediately connected to the story and reflected on our own journey and the things I’ve learned about love and relationships along the way.

Spoiler Alert – if you haven’t yet seen the movie La La Land and plan to see it, you might want to watch it before reading further.

For those of you who have already seen this award winning film, you know that it artfully depicts a love story between jazz musician, Sebastian (Ryan Gosling) and rising actress Mia (Emma Stone). What you might not realize is that this movie also dispels some myths about romantic relationships and love. Here are five:

Myth #1

  • When you’re in love you’ll never be lonely again – In the film Mia and Sebastian each experience times of loneliness when the other is off pursuing their career. The truth is you can feel very lonely even when you are in the company of others. Loneliness is not about being in or out of love. Everyone feels lonely at times. But chronic loneliness is about social and emotional pain that has the potential to spur personal growth or contribute to depression.

Myth #2

  • My partner should always make me happy – If you are waiting for someone to make you happy, you’ll never be. Mia and Sebastian both pursued their individual interests that contributed to some shared joyful moments. The truth is there will be good and bad days but general happiness is more dependent on your own thoughts and actions and is within your personal control.

 Myth #3

  • We will always like the same things – I love the scene in the movie where Mia tells Sabastian she doesn’t like jazz. As important as jazz is to this musician, this difference in musical taste does not stop their love connection. They disagree about many things including the name of Sebastian’s club. Differences can add spice to relationships while contributing to positive growth. In the end Mia came to appreciate jazz and Sebastian finally agreed with Mia about the name of his club. In reality it’s great to have things in common but people change and just because you don’t like the same things doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed.

Myth #4

  • Love is an uncontrollable & irrational feeling – This is a common myth that has its roots in infatuation. The truth is love is a choice. In the movie the couple choose to be together and in the end even though they choose to part ways, Mia says “I’m always gonna love you.” And Sebastian replies “I’m always gonna love you too. It’s important to realize we each have the power to choose love over hate.

Myth #5

  • Love should be easy – Many people believe that if love is not easy it’s not real. However, common life experiences show us that love can be messy, imperfect, satisfying, and very real. In fact this film does a great job of depicting just a peek at how beautifully imperfect love can sometimes be. From Sabastian missing Mia’s important play to arguments about career decisions, personal disappointments and mishaps -through all the conflict and miscommunication, love survives. It even survives their eventual break up and continues into Mia’s new roles as wife and mother. What Sebastian says about jazz is also true of love –it involves “conflict and compromise and it’s very, very exciting.”

Ultimately, I chose to stay in Southern California and work on myself and our marriage. I learned that it’s ok to take risks and it’s even ok to fail. I grew to understand that disappointments are opportunities for growth.  And I learned that being good enough is not measured in the eyes of others but in how I view and value myself. I realized that I am strong enough to handle the truth and I can let go of fear. Also more important than where I live is how I live, especially how I live with myself. I’ve learned many invaluable lessons, changed careers and experienced joy I wouldn’t trade for anything. Like the final scene in La La Land so beautifully illustrates, life is about making choices that are often bittersweet and although love stories are not always perfect -as Seb’s final knowing smile indicates – It’s always worth it.

Create lasting relationships, making relationships last, love, relationships

7 Secrets for Lasting Love

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How can love last for a lifetime? It’s not as complex as you might think, though at times it’s not easy either.

  1. Express physical love daily – Every single day do something that connects you physically in a positive way. This can be as little as a quick kiss or as lovely as a long bath together. Sex is great, but don’t limit yourself to only one way to express physical love. Explore new opportunities to bring each other pleasure. Cuddle for just a moment, linger in a hug, hold hands, keep that physical relationship alive.
  2. Make goals together – Your life together will only be together if you plan your future that way. Certainly have your own goals too, but the broad vision of your life must be a shared one.
  3. Give and Take – You’re just not going to get your way all of the time. On big things, on small things, on lots and lots of things. It’s important to have a loving balance of giving and receiving that is not out of obligation or fear.
  4. Spend time together – Do this more than you might think that you need to. Plan weekly date nights. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, just focus on spending quality time together. The more time you spend together, the closer you’ll grow.
  5. Spend time apart – Spending some time alone or with friends is just as important as spending time together. Maybe plan a girls or guys night out once a month. Expecting your partner to provide all your interpersonal needs can put a strain on the relationship. Nourish yourself in healthy ways so you can contribute to the health to the relationship.
  6. Communicate – This can’t be said enough. If couples are not talking, listening and understanding each other, problems are bound to occur. If necessary, work on improving your communication skills in therapy. Check in with your partner daily. Make time to express thoughts and feelings. And really listen!
  7. Commit – Lasting love is a choice. It takes work. But like anything else you desire to achieve, it is possible with dedicated effort. When both parties decide to make this a goal and commit to making the relationship a priority, especially through tough times, then love can last forever.

The Best Gift to Give at Christmas

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The holidays are here and I have no idea what to get my husband for Christmas. It doesn’t help that he tends to go shopping for himself right before Christmas, his birthday and father’s day which limits my choices and is the source of mild frustration. As a matter of fact, he just walked in from the mall with the very thing I was considering getting for him. Arghhh!

If you’re at all like me and hate crowded malls and sometimes agonize to find the perfect gifts for family and friends, then maybe you can sympathize. Today as I sat scouring the internet for gift ideas, the thought occurred to me that perhaps others are really struggling with this time-honored tradition of gift giving and receiving at this time of year. Or maybe some of you are worried that you will not receive the gift you are hoping for and have trouble trusting and waiting.

Gift giving and receiving, particularly during the holidays, can bring joy but can also be stressful. For some, the mere thought of what to buy someone can trigger anxiety, guilt, or even fear. For others, not getting a desired gift can lead to disappointment, anger, blame and arguments. On the flip side, sometimes being showered with gifts can trigger feelings of unworthiness and lead to shaming behaviors. Financial issues can add an additional layer of stress and shame to what is termed to be “The most wonderful time of the year.” So why all this tension and stress around something seemingly simple that can bring so much cheer? And what can be done to alleviate it?

Looking through the lens of the Restoration Therapy model, these distressful feelings can often be traced to our childhood. Did someone reject an expression of our love or violate our trust in our formative years? For me, I remember dreading participation in gift exchanges in elementary school. My family did not have a lot of money when I was growing up and there were times when the gifts I offered at school were ridiculed by peers. There were other times I spent more than I could afford and was disappointed with what I received. These experiences caused me to second guess myself and question the safety of gift giving in relationships. As a result, I learned to cope with feelings of inadequacy by shaming myself through unnecessary apologies and being negative. I internalized the sensed rejection of my gift or the unequal reciprocation to mean something was wrong with me. As an adult, sometimes when faced with gift giving or receiving I tend to experience the same dysregulating feelings of inadequacy and enact the same negative coping behaviors. This usually results in “perceived” criticism from others (i.e. “You shouldn’t have.”) which only feeds more into my feelings of inadequacy. In restoration therapy this pattern is referred to as a pain cycle. When we experience a violation of love or trust we create meaning about our identity and/or safety. This meaning we create drives our actions and influences how we cope. The way others respond to our actions feeds back into our painful feelings. So in essence it’s never about the gifts but what they represent to us based on our past pain. It’s about the meaning we attach to them and thoughts we create about ourselves. The good news is we can also create new thoughts and feelings to break the pain cycle.

A good place to start is by gifting yourself with love and compassion, recognizing your cycle of pain and practicing what Professor Terry Hargrave calls your peace cycle. This is done by following these 4 simple steps:

  • Say what you feel…I feel unworthy
  • Say what you tend to do when you feel that way…When I feel unworthy I shame myself by being overly negative and apologetic
  • Say your truth…The truth is I am worthy of love & acceptance and I love & accept myself
  • Say what you will do differently…Therefore I will give freely with joy without apology and accept gifts with gratitude

Although I’m still not sure what I will get my husband for Christmas, I am certain that as I practice my peace cycle my emotions calm and I’m reminded that the greatest gift is love. Love keeps on giving and for this I am forever grateful.

May you experience peace as you choose to give and receive the gift of love to yourself and others this holiday season and always.

Happy Holidays!

Marriage and Money, Manageing money in marriage

Money Matters

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Money management is a top cause of relationship failures. The reason is that people have vastly different expectations of how money should be managed depending on their background and economic status. The main thing with money, just as with everything else in relationships, is to have open and honest communication. That’s easy to say! Here are some expert tips for managing money within a relationship that can benefit any couple.

  • Set guidelines and either stick to them or renegotiate, don’t let resentment build.
  • Allow for some financial freedom for everyone. It can be $10 or $500, but that ability to make decisions separately is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships. It contributes to the feeling that everyone has a separate worth.
  • Don’t hide spending habits. Ever. This is non-negotiable. Make it clear that any mistakes can be worked through and that you can make it work as partners, so that everyone is comfortable being honest.
  • Get real about your money. Set boundaries and live within them, so that excess spending doesn’t leave you regretting something. Never make big purchases without consulting your partner.
  • Money is not a weapon, don’t use it like one in your relationship or you’ll just skewer yourself.
  • If you find that you and your partner are arguing about money, take a step back and ask yourself – is this fight really over money or something else? It’s easy to use finances as a scapegoat.
Reasons to date your spouse, dating after marriage

Dating After Marriage: 7 Reasons to Date Your Spouse

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Dating doesn’t stop just because you tie the knot!

  1. Dating is fun - People love dating for a reason: it’s fun! You’re doing new things, enjoying old things, making memories. Why not keep doing it?
  2. Dating builds love - Dating helped to build the loving relationship that you have now, and if you keep doing it then it will continue to build for as long as you date your spouse.
  3. Dating refocuses you - Couples can often struggled to get time together that’s not focused on some activity that keeps life going (work, kids, housekeeping,) Dating lets you press the reset button on stress and anxiety from life.
  4. Dating add spice - Dating reconnects those romantic sparks in your relationship. It encourages you to be attracted to your spouse and gives you the opportunity to have that physical connection that’s so important.
  5. Dating shows care - After a long time together, couples don’t always work to impress their partners. Dating encourages you to put effort into yourself for them.
  6. Dating reminds you - Sometimes we need to be reminded of why we fell in love with our spouse, when times are hard and life is getting in the way. Dating brings those feel good memories back and reminds you of why you love your spouse.
  7. Dating keeps it fresh - When you do something together, you’re expanding your relationship. A new movie or a new restaurant keeps your life together fresh and interesting, though your life is full of routine.
How to fight fair, managing confict, arguments in relationships

Fighting Fair: 3 Traps to Avoid in an Argument

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Every couple argues, and in fact it can be a good thing for relationships. Arguments can relieve tension, solve problems and allow us to talk about important aspects of life. But not all arguments are created equal. If you want to keep your relationship going well, then steer clear of the following three argument traps.

  • Blame – There’s a difference in holding someone accountable and blaming them. When you blame someone, you’re doing it out of your need to not be accountable. Blame is never constructive and doesn’t help couples to move forward.
  • Sarcasm – When you use sarcasm, you’re not trying to solve a problem. It’s never helpful and it almost always turns a normal argument into an emotional one. We generally do this because our own feelings are hurt, and just like blame it only makes things worse – even if the sting might feel good in the moment.
  • Name calling – Just don’t do it. In that moment it might feel great, but it only causes unnecessary hurt feelings and you can’t take it back. It’s disrespectful. When that thought comes into your mind, don’t speak it.

Remember – the purpose of an argument is not to show how horrible you can be to your partner or how much you can hurt them, but to discuss issues and to allow your relationship to move in a positive direction toward deeper connection.