Category Archives: Family

Conquering the Midlife Haunts: Spooky Truths & Survival Tricks for Thriving

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As Halloween creeps up, it’s easy to get caught up in spooky stories and creepy costumes. But there’s one surprising reality that has nothing to do with Halloween: the midlife crisis. Like a ghost lurking in the shadows, this phase can sneak up on us, bringing intense self-reflection and unease. Suddenly, we’re haunted by questions about purpose, happiness, and “What comes next?” It’s enough to make anyone shiver! But here’s the treat: there are real ways to navigate and even thrive through this transformational time. So, let’s shed some light on the truths behind this phase and explore a few survival tricks to help you emerge stronger and more fulfilled.

The Ghosts of Midlife: Common Realities of a Midlife Crisis
A midlife crisis can arrive without warning, like a jump scare in a horror film. Women are just as likely as men to report distressful symptoms. For some, it’s triggered by the “empty nest” feeling when kids leave home; for others, it’s prompted by health changes or a career that suddenly feels stagnant. Not everyone experiences this temporary phase in life that typically occurs between the ages of 45-64. It can last several years and might look different depending on gender and life circumstances. Here are a few common, scary realities that some people experience:

  •  Existential Dread: Many face deep questions about their purpose, leading to feelings of sadness or regret over things not accomplished. This “haunting” feeling of “Is this all there is?” can be unnerving and hard to shake.
  •  Physical Changes: The physical changes that accompany midlife—like wrinkles, gray hair, or slower energy—can feel like the aging process is speeding up, which can lower self-esteem and confidence.
  • Relationship Shifts: Long-term relationships may start to feel stale, leading to feelings of loneliness or disconnection. For some, this period includes contemplating big changes, like divorce, which can feel like stepping into a whole new, uncertain life.
  • Career Stagnation: Work that once felt fulfilling may now seem dull or without meaning. People often feel trapped in their jobs, leading to a sense of regret for dreams left unpursued.

Tools for Surviving and Thriving Through Your Midlife Crisis
Unlike some Halloween thrillers, a midlife crisis doesn’t have to end with an unhappy ending. By adopting coping strategies and making intentional changes, you can break free from fear and build a satisfying, purposeful life. Here are some tools to help you thrive:

  • Embrace Mindfulness and Meditation: Practicing mindfulness helps you manage stress and quiet the noisy, negative thoughts that come with a midlife crisis. Start with short meditation sessions, focusing on breathing to calm your mind and embrace the present moment.
  • Set New, Attainable Goals: Whether it’s learning a new skill, taking up a hobby, or setting a fitness goal, having something to strive for can help replace feelings of stagnation with purpose. Think of this time as an opportunity to redefine yourself, instead of focusing on what you feel is “lost.”
  • Prioritize Physical Health: With age, it’s essential to keep your body in good shape. Exercise, eat nutritious food, and ensure you’re getting enough sleep. Physical wellness can improve your mood, energy levels, and mental clarity, making the challenges of midlife feel less daunting.
  •  Seek Support and Connection: Talking to a therapist or joining a support group can help you feel less alone in your journey. Sometimes, just knowing others are facing similar fears can be a comfort. Support systems can also offer valuable perspectives and coping strategies.
  • Reevaluate Your Relationships: This is the perfect time to reconnect with loved ones or, if necessary, set boundaries that make space for your own growth. Whether it’s deepening your bond with family or finding new friendships, strong relationships are key to navigating a midlife crisis.

Embrace Transformation, Not Fear
While a midlife crisis can feel like a Halloween horror show, it’s also a time of transformation. By facing these fears and using the tools above, you can come out of it feeling renewed and confident, ready to thrive in the next chapter of your life. Instead of seeing this time as something to fear, see it as an opportunity to reflect, reset, and rediscover yourself—because sometimes the scariest journeys lead to the most rewarding destinations.

The Power of Curiosity: How It Boosts Mental Health and Improves Relationships

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Have you ever noticed how kids are constantly asking questions? They have this endless curiosity about the world, and it’s kind of inspiring. As adults, though, we often forget about the power of curiosity, especially when life gets busy. But here’s the thing: curiosity isn’t just for kids—it can seriously transform our mental health and even improve our relationships.

So, let’s dive into why curiosity is such a game-changer and some easy ways to bring more of it into your life.
The Mental Health Perks of Being Curious

Curiosity does more than just make life interesting—it actually has some impressive mental health benefits. Here’s how it works:

1. It Reduces Stress and Anxiety

When you’re curious, you’re focused on learning and exploring, rather than getting stuck in a cycle of worrying or overthinking. Ever get lost in a new hobby or start reading about something and forget your stress for a bit? That’s curiosity at work. It pulls your mind into the present moment, giving you a break from stress and anxiety.

2. Builds Emotional Resilience

Curiosity helps you see challenges as opportunities instead of threats. When you approach a tough situation with curiosity, you’re more likely to think, “What can I learn from this?” rather than feeling overwhelmed. It’s a powerful mindset shift that builds emotional strength and helps you bounce back from setbacks more easily.

3. Makes You Happier

Curious people tend to have a more positive outlook on life. By exploring new things and learning regularly, you create little bursts of joy and accomplishment. Plus, when life feels meaningful—because you’re constantly discovering new things—it leads to more lasting happiness and life satisfaction.
Curiosity and Romantic Relationships

Now, let’s talk about a fun (and important!) area where curiosity really works wonders—romantic relationships. You know how, in the beginning of a relationship, everything feels exciting because you’re learning so much about each other? That’s curiosity in action. But keeping that sense of wonder alive can make a huge difference in the long run, too.

1. Deepens Emotional Connection

Being curious about your partner—whether it’s their thoughts, feelings, or even the little quirks that make them unique—helps create a stronger bond. When you ask questions and genuinely listen, you show your partner that they’re seen and valued. That emotional connection is what makes relationships thrive.

2. Keeps the Spark Alive

Curiosity keeps relationships fresh. It’s easy to fall into routines, but when you stay curious about each other, you’re more likely to try new things together, have deeper conversations, and keep that sense of excitement alive. It’s not just about big adventures; even small moments of discovery—like learning about your partner’s latest interests—can rekindle the spark.

3. Helps Navigate Conflict

Approaching conflicts with curiosity can make all the difference. Instead of reacting out of frustration, try asking questions like, “Why do you feel that way?” or “What’s really bothering you?” This shift in perspective can help defuse tension and lead to more constructive conversations, strengthening your relationship in the process.
How to Practice Curiosity in Everyday Life

Curiosity is like a muscle—the more you use it, the stronger it gets. Luckily, there are some super simple ways to bring more curiosity into your daily routine:

1. Ask More Questions

Start by getting into the habit of asking more “why” and “how” questions. Whether you’re talking to a friend, watching a documentary, or reading an article, dig a little deeper. You’ll be amazed at how much more interesting everything becomes when you’re actively seeking to learn more.

2. Try New Things

Curiosity thrives when you’re open to new experiences. Try a new hobby, take a different route to work, or cook a dish you’ve never made before. It doesn’t have to be big or time-consuming—just switching up your routine can ignite your sense of curiosity.

3. Stay Open to New Perspectives

Curiosity is all about being open-minded. Try to see things from different points of view, whether that’s by reading books from different cultures or asking someone with opposing beliefs why they feel the way they do. It’s a great way to challenge yourself and grow as a person.

4. Embrace the Unknown

Instead of shying away from things you don’t know or understand, lean into them. The next time you encounter something unfamiliar, ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” It helps reframe uncertainty as an opportunity instead of something to fear.
Final Thoughts

Curiosity is a simple yet powerful tool that not only boosts your mental health but can also enrich your relationships—especially romantic ones. By staying curious, you can reduce stress, build emotional resilience, and keep life (and love!) exciting and meaningful.

So, go ahead—ask more questions, try something new, and approach life with a sense of wonder. You’ll be surprised at how much happier and more connected you’ll feel.

The Beauty and Complexities of Mother-Daughter Relationships: Coping and Thriving

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Recently, I had the opportunity to spend a few weeks with my now 87 year-old mother. As we revisited our history through laughter, tears and a few disagreements, I reflected on our journey together and gained an even greater appreciation for the mother-daughter dynamic. Mother-daughter relationships are often lauded for their unique depth and intimacy. This bond, forged through shared experiences and mutual understanding, can be a source of immense joy and support. However, it can also be fraught with complexities and challenges. Navigating this intricate dynamic requires understanding, patience, and a willingness to grow both individually and together.

The Beauty of the Bond
The mother-daughter relationship is special because it is typically rooted in a profound emotional connection. This bond often starts early, with mothers nurturing and caring for their daughters, guiding them through the formative years. Daughters, in turn, look up to their mothers as role models and confidantes. This relationship can evolve into a deep friendship characterized by shared experiences, mutual respect, and unconditional love.
Scientific research has highlighted the uniqueness of the mother-daughter bond. Studies have shown that mothers and daughters often exhibit similar patterns of brain activity when reflecting on their relationships with one another. This neural synchrony can enhance emotional understanding and empathy, fostering a deeper connection. Moreover, historical perspectives reveal that the mother-daughter relationship has been central to many cultures, often serving as the cornerstone of family dynamics and societal stability.
Mothers and daughters often share a unique understanding of each other’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. This deep empathy allows for open communication and emotional support, creating a safe space where both can express themselves freely. This connection can be a source of immense comfort and security, fostering a sense of belonging and identity.

The Complexities of the Relationship
Despite its beauty, the mother-daughter relationship is not without its complexities. The very closeness that defines this bond can also lead to tension and conflict. Differences in personality, values, and life choices can create friction, leading to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
One common source of tension is the struggle for independence. As daughters grow older, they seek to establish their own identities and make their own decisions. This natural desire for autonomy can sometimes be perceived by mothers as a rejection or a threat to the relationship. On the other hand, daughters might feel suffocated by what they perceive as overprotectiveness or undue influence from their mothers.
Generational differences can also contribute to conflicts. The worldviews and experiences of mothers and daughters can vary significantly, leading to disagreements on various issues such as career choices, parenting styles, and lifestyle preferences. These differences, if not managed well, can create emotional distance and strain the relationship.
As mothers age, new complexities can emerge. Daughters often take on caregiving roles, reversing the traditional dynamic. This shift can create stress and emotional strain, as both parties navigate changing needs and dependencies. Balancing respect for the mother’s independence with the necessity of providing support requires sensitive communication and mutual understanding.

Coping and Thriving
Coping with the complexities of the mother-daughter relationship requires a thoughtful and empathetic approach. Here are some insights and strategies to help navigate and strengthen this bond:
1. Communication is Key: Open, honest, and respectful communication is essential. Both mothers and daughters should strive to express their thoughts and feelings without judgment or defensiveness. Active listening, where each party truly hears and acknowledges the other’s perspective, can help bridge gaps and foster mutual understanding.
2. Establish Boundaries: Healthy boundaries are crucial in any relationship. Mothers and daughters should respect each other’s need for space and autonomy. This involves recognizing and honoring each other’s individuality and allowing room for personal growth and independence.
3. Empathy and Compassion: Cultivating empathy and compassion can transform the relationship. Understanding the other’s perspective and showing compassion during conflicts can diffuse tension and promote healing. Both parties should strive to see the situation through the other’s eyes and respond with kindness and patience.
4. Acceptance: Acceptance is key in any relationship. Both mothers and daughters should strive to accept each other as they are, including their flaws and differences. This means recognizing and respecting each other’s individuality and choices, even when they differ from one’s own expectations or desires. Acceptance fosters a supportive environment where both parties can feel valued and understood.
5. Seek Professional Help if Needed: Sometimes, the complexities of the relationship may require professional intervention. Exploring mother-daughter wounds in therapy can provide an opportunity for healing as well as a safe space for mothers and daughters to discuss their issues, improve communication, and develop healthier patterns of interaction.
6. Focus on the Positive: Despite the challenges, it’s important to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship. Celebrating the joys, achievements, and shared moments can strengthen the bond and create a reservoir of positive experiences to draw upon during difficult times.

Embrace and Cultivate the Journey
The mother-daughter relationship is a beautiful and complex tapestry woven with love, shared experiences, and mutual growth. Scientific research underscores the uniqueness of this bond, highlighting its emotional and psychological benefits. By embracing open communication, establishing healthy boundaries, cultivating empathy, practicing acceptance, and seeking help when needed, mothers and daughters can navigate their relationship’s complexities and thrive together. This dynamic bond, when nurtured with care and understanding, can be a source of lifelong support, joy, and personal growth.

Breaking the Stigma Around Men’s Mental Health: A Crucial Conversation

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June is Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month, a time dedicated to addressing a critical yet often overlooked issue: men’s mental health. Despite the growing awareness, the stigma surrounding mental health issues in men remains a significant barrier. So it’s crucial to shed light on the importance of breaking this stigma and discuss some of the common mental health issues men face, as well as strategies for fostering better mental health.

Understanding the Stigma
The societal expectations of men often include being strong, stoic, and self-reliant. These pressures, rooted in toxic masculinity, can discourage men from expressing vulnerability or seeking help for their mental health issues. Toxic masculinity is the cultural belief that men must adhere to traditional male roles, which can lead to suppressed emotions and untreated mental health conditions. For example, implied or direct messages that men should “suck it up” or “man up,” often perpetuates the problem. This stigma not only affects men’s well-being but also perpetuates a cycle of silence, isolation, and suffering.

Common Mental Health Issues in Men
Men are susceptible to a range of mental health issues, many of which are exacerbated by societal pressures. Some statistics state that 1 in 8 men report experiencing mental health symptoms, compared to 1 in 5 women. However, since a lot of men tend not to report symptoms unless they are severe, the actual numbers are most likely much higher. Some of the most common diagnoses for men include:

• Depression: Often underdiagnosed in men due to different manifestations such as irritability or anger rather than sadness.

• Anxiety: Men might experience anxiety through physical symptoms like increased heart rate and sweating, often underplaying its psychological impact.

• PTSD: Frequently seen in men exposed to traumatic events that are often minimized in self-reports or even viewed as ordinary, and can be very common among those with military backgrounds.

• Substance Abuse: Men are more likely to turn to alcohol and drugs as coping mechanisms for their mental health struggles.

The Role of Relationships
Mental health issues significantly impact relationships. Men might withdraw from their partners, friends, or family, leading to isolation. Open communication within relationships is vital. Encouraging men to express their feelings without fear of judgment can foster a supportive environment where they feel safe to share their struggles.

The Power of Self-Care
Self-care is essential to mental well-being, yet men often overlook it. Here are some self-care strategies that can make a difference:

• Physical Activity: Regular exercise is proven to reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety. Activities like running, cycling, or even walking can have profound mental health benefits.

•Mindfulness and Meditation: Practices like mindfulness and meditation help in managing stress and promoting emotional balance. Even a few minutes a day can lead to significant improvements.

• Hobbies and Interests: Engaging in hobbies provides a creative outlet and a break from daily stressors. Whether it’s cooking, gardening, or playing a musical instrument, these activities can be therapeutic.

• Balanced Diet and Sleep: Proper nutrition and adequate sleep are fundamental to mental health. Encouraging healthy eating habits and establishing a regular sleep routine can enhance mood and energy levels.

Managing Stress and Pressure
Stress and pressure, whether from work, family, or societal expectations, are common triggers for mental health issues. Here are some tips for managing these effectively:

• Time Management: Prioritize tasks and break them into manageable steps. Using planners or digital tools can help organize time and reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed.

• Relaxation Techniques: Techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and yoga can help calm the mind and body.

• Seeking Support: Encouraging men to talk about their stressors with trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals is crucial. Sometimes, just having someone listen can make a significant difference.

Help Break the Stigma
We must work together to help foster a culture where men feel encouraged to seek help and prioritize their mental well-being. Men’s mental health not only affects men who are suffering but everyone around them as well. During Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month and beyond, let’s challenge the outdated norms of toxic masculinity and support men in their mental health journeys. By understanding common mental health issues, promoting open communication in relationships, advocating for self-care, and providing tools for managing stress, we can make strides toward a healthier, more supportive environment for all men.

Encourage the men in your life to take charge of their mental health. It’s not a sign of weakness but a testament to their strength and resilience.

Love, Money, and Mental Health: Navigating the Tricky Triangle

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You might be wondering what’s love got to do with money and mental health. Or if you’ve ever felt stressed about money and it caused conflict in your relationship, then you might know all too well. In the intricate dance of life, love, money, and mental health are deeply intertwined. It’s like a tricky triangle where each corner affects the other, and if one side is out of whack, the whole thing can feel like it’s collapsing.

How Money Issues Impact Love
We all know money matters, but when it starts causing stress in a relationship, things can get messy. Here’s how:

• Communication Breakdown: Ever tried talking about money when you’re stressed? It’s tough. You might find yourself snapping at your partner or avoiding the conversation altogether. This can lead to misunderstandings and feelings of being disconnected.
• Trust Issues: If one person is hiding debts or making big purchases on the sly, trust can take a big hit. Trust is the foundation of any strong relationship, and financial secrecy can feel like a betrayal.
• Power Imbalance: When there’s a significant difference in earnings, it can create an awkward power dynamic. The person earning less might feel inadequate or resentful, which can lead to tension.

How Money Issues Affect Mental Health
Financial stress doesn’t just stay in your wallet; it seeps into your mind too. Here’s what can happen:

• Anxiety and Depression: Constantly worrying about bills and debt can make anxiety and depression worse. It’s hard to think about anything else when you’re stressing over money.
• Sleep Problems: Stressing over finances can keep you up at night. And we all know how we feel after a bad night’s sleep – groggy, irritable, and even more stressed.
• Low Self-Esteem: Struggling with money can make you feel like you’re not good enough. It’s tough to feel confident when you’re worried about making ends meet.

Tips for Overcoming Financial Challenges
Alright, enough of the doom and gloom. Let’s talk solutions. Here are some tips to help you and your partner manage financial stress and keep your mental health in check:

• Open Communication: It might be uncomfortable, but talking openly about money is crucial. Sit down together and discuss your financial goals, budget, and any worries you have. Being on the same page can make a huge difference.
• Seek Professional Help: Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Financial advisors can help you create a budget and manage debt, while therapists can provide strategies to cope with stress.
• Create a Budget: A budget is your best friend when it comes to managing money. It helps you see where your money is going and find ways to save. Plus, it’s a great tool for setting and achieving financial goals.
• Practice Self-Care: Taking care of yourself is key. Exercise, sleep, healthy eating, and mindfulness can all help reduce stress. When you feel good, you’re better equipped to handle financial challenges.
• Focus on the Positive: Try to stay positive and focus on what you can control. Celebrate small victories and be grateful for the things that money can’t buy, like love and companionship.

Navigating the tricky triangle of love, money, and mental health isn’t always easy, but it’s definitely doable. By tackling financial stress head-on and supporting each other, you can build a stronger, healthier relationship. Remember, financial issues are usually temporary, but the love and mental well-being you build together can last a lifetime. So, take a deep breath, communicate openly, and tackle those money challenges together. You’ve got this!

Love, Loyalty, and Longevity: 4 Lessons from ‘Queen Charlotte’ on Enduring Love

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If you haven’t yet seen the Netflix series Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story, I highly recommend checking it out before reading this post. I just recently finished watching the captivating drama and was enthralled by the complexities of the characters and the myriad of timely topics addressed. Marriage, friendship, loneliness, responsibility, loyalty, love, family, and mental illness are among some of the issues depicted. As a marriage and family therapist, wife, and mother, I was particularly drawn to the portrayal of enduring love through many of life’s challenges.

In a world dominated by fleeting connections and temporary romances, the concept of long-term relationships can seem like an anomaly. However, this fictional story based on the historical wife of King George III, Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz, provides a fascinating portrayal of the challenges and joys that can arise from enduring partnerships. Through the lens of this enchanting period drama, we delve into the realities and rewards of long-term relationships and discover why they are truly worth cherishing. Here are four lessons we can learn.

  1. There Will Be Storms: As we immerse ourselves in the vibrant world of “Queen Charlotte,” we witness the tumultuous journey of many different relationships. The show highlights the importance of weathering the storms together, demonstrating that greater wisdom is often on the other side of the storm and lasting partnerships require resilience and support. When Queen Charlotte says to King George, “Hide from the heavens with me,” she is compassionately reminding him of their safe space together as they battle life’s storms.
  2. Vulnerability Creates Intimacy: Perhaps one of the most profound aspects of long-term relationships is the trust and vulnerability that comes with time. “Queen Charlotte” exemplifies this beautifully, as characters gradually unveil their deepest fears, desires, and insecurities to each other. It is through this vulnerability that true intimacy is achieved, fostering a bond that withstands the test of time. When King George reveals his fears to his bride by saying “I’m half a man, half a king…” Queen Charlotte replies “If what we have is half then we shall make it the very best half.”
  3. Shared Memories and Traditions Build Connection: Long-term relationships are often built upon a foundation of shared memories and traditions, providing a sense of continuity and belonging. In “Queen Charlotte,” we see characters cherishing and preserving their history through traditions, celebrations, and shared experiences. These bonds enrich the relationship and create a tapestry of moments that can be revisited and cherished for years to come. As Young Brimsley states, “It is Coronation Day. It does not matter if they speak, they must be united.”
  4. Love Is A Choice: In the words of Queen Charlotte, “Love is not a thing one is able or not able to do based on some magic. Some chemistry. That is for plays. Love is determination. Love is a choice one makes.” In long-term relationships, this choice is made daily. In healthy relationships this choice is born of little and big victories, commitment, kindness, compassion, grace, forgiveness, shared joys, and pain, vulnerabilities exchanged and honored, laughter, and a lifetime of saying yes to the work and rewards of love.

Enduring love, as depicted in “Queen Charlotte,” reveals some of the realities and rewards of lasting partnerships. As we witness the triumphs, setbacks, and unwavering commitment of the characters, we are reminded that love is not always easy but it can be undeniably worth fighting for. By weathering storms, unveiling vulnerabilities, nurturing shared memories and traditions, and choosing love daily, we can build profound and fulfilling connections that stand the test of time. Just as “Queen Charlotte” has captivated audiences with its rich portrayal of relationships, real-life long-term partnerships hold the potential for a love story that transcends time.

 

Solving Marital Conflict

5 STEPS to Resolving Marital Conflict

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Conflict has a way of spiraling, and that spiral can continue to get worse until the damage can become irrevocable. The results of unresolved conflict can have negative effects on those around you, especially children. Marriages that work tend to practice positive conflict resolution skills – which moves things forward instead of pulling them back or causing the relationship to stagnate. Here are 5 STEPS to practice:

  • State the problem clearly – Don’t fight about fuzzy things, be specific about what the conflict is over. Muddying the water with lots of issues is not at all productive, and is only destructive.
  • Talk through possible solutions – Keeping the conflict solution based will ensure that you’re actually moving towards a resolution instead of just going around in circles. Each person should offer up possible solutions.
  • Exercise self-control – This can be challenging, especially when emotions are high. You will be tempted to pursue things that aren’t part of the current issue. And perhaps tempted to say things that aren’t helping but that feel good in the moment. For the sake of your relationship, take a time out if necessary and practice self control.
  • Pick a solution to try – Choose one solution to try. Anything, it doesn’t have to be perfect and it doesn’t have to absolutely please everyone. Just agreeing to decide on one course of action can help move you closure together and reduce some emotional stress.
  • See how it works – Be open to a solution actually working. Don’t stay trapped in the current situation through sabotage or by having a negative attitude. Even if it wasn’t your idea or the idea that you thought was best, give it a chance and if it doesn’t work, try something else.

Following these STEPS can be easy at times, but it can also be difficult. Sometimes an impartial third party with professional experience can help couples manage emotions and improve communication . If you are finding it challenging to manage conflicts, couples therapy can help. Don’t wait or let frustrations pile up. Learn the skills you need to help restore peace.

Abusive relationships, power and control, domestic violence

Healthy Relationships Are Never Abusive

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Leslie’s Story

I was reminded of Leslie’s story and the horrifying statistics about violence against women as I listened to the recent heartbreaking news report of a special education teacher that was fatally shot, while in her classroom, by her estranged husband. A sad truth is that many stories like these go untold, unnoticed and are repeated day after day. It could happen to any of us ­­– your sister, your mother, your daughter, a friend or you. Some men are victims too. Here’s one woman’s story that did not make the news.

It was a cold day in the city. So 30 year old Leslie* borrowed her mother’s heavy coat as she headed out to work. She ventured out in confidence, believing her estranged husband was behind bars for disturbing the peace and making verbal threats against her life a few nights before. Little did she know that her abuser had gotten out on bail and decided to discreetly follow and violently confront her with a deadly weapon.

Sadly, Leslie’s story is not uncommon. Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten. Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.[i]

Many times these cases involve red flag issues surrounding power and control that can destroy even non-violent relationships. What’s interesting is that frequently the actions that result from this power and control dynamic are not caused by a sense of over-importance, but are instead driven by fear, vulnerability and incompleteness. We all want to feel loved and desired in a deep, instinctual way. But when some people don’t think they have access to those emotions and make destructive choices based on their uncontrolled emotions that may have been influenced by poor role models or past trauma, then they might lash out and create a dangerously controlling and negative environment.

This was Leslie’s story. She had been married for 4 years too long and had attempted to run away from her abuser several times during their tumultuous relationship. Each time she ran away she was followed and out of fear, lured back into the cycle of violence. She thought this time was different because she ran far away to another city and had the courage to tell her story to family and the police. But as often is the case, things got worse before they got better. Her abuser was not derailed by distance and attacked her with a knife at a train station. Her coat was soaked with blood, her vision impaired and she was left with permanent scars. Thankfully she found help and is now free of the abuse and lived to tell her story. But not everyone survives.

Power and control are serious issues in a relationship, and can severely escalate down the line. If your partner is showing any of the signs of power and control in the cycle of violence, then it’s time to seek help immediately. In Chapter 3 of my book Blockbuster Love – Lessons from the Movies on How to Create Lasting Love: Part 1 Romance, I discuss the lesson that love is not obsession. “Sometimes…people mistake intense infatuation for being deeply and ‘crazy in love.’ Often these impulsive feelings are used as justification for the strength of their love when in fact it may suggest more of the intensity of their loneliness or fear of being alone. This can also lead to obsession.” It can also lead to desires to control another person and actions that support those desires.

Here are some warning signs to look out for:

  • Coercion and threats
  • Isolation
  • Emotional abuse
  • Verbal abuse
  • Deny, blame and minimizing
  • Punishing behaviors
  • Economic abuse
  • Intimidation
  • Shame, guilt and/or fear

Healthy relationships are never abusive. If you’re concerned about yourself or someone that you know being in an abusive relationship, seek help now! Call 911 or you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit their website at http://www.thehotline.org/ for more information. Your life is valuable. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help.

*Name and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individual.

[i] http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics/

 

The Best Gift to Give at Christmas

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The holidays are here and I have no idea what to get my husband for Christmas. It doesn’t help that he tends to go shopping for himself right before Christmas, his birthday and father’s day which limits my choices and is the source of mild frustration. As a matter of fact, he just walked in from the mall with the very thing I was considering getting for him. Arghhh!

If you’re at all like me and hate crowded malls and sometimes agonize to find the perfect gifts for family and friends, then maybe you can sympathize. Today as I sat scouring the internet for gift ideas, the thought occurred to me that perhaps others are really struggling with this time-honored tradition of gift giving and receiving at this time of year. Or maybe some of you are worried that you will not receive the gift you are hoping for and have trouble trusting and waiting.

Gift giving and receiving, particularly during the holidays, can bring joy but can also be stressful. For some, the mere thought of what to buy someone can trigger anxiety, guilt, or even fear. For others, not getting a desired gift can lead to disappointment, anger, blame and arguments. On the flip side, sometimes being showered with gifts can trigger feelings of unworthiness and lead to shaming behaviors. Financial issues can add an additional layer of stress and shame to what is termed to be “The most wonderful time of the year.” So why all this tension and stress around something seemingly simple that can bring so much cheer? And what can be done to alleviate it?

Looking through the lens of the Restoration Therapy model, these distressful feelings can often be traced to our childhood. Did someone reject an expression of our love or violate our trust in our formative years? For me, I remember dreading participation in gift exchanges in elementary school. My family did not have a lot of money when I was growing up and there were times when the gifts I offered at school were ridiculed by peers. There were other times I spent more than I could afford and was disappointed with what I received. These experiences caused me to second guess myself and question the safety of gift giving in relationships. As a result, I learned to cope with feelings of inadequacy by shaming myself through unnecessary apologies and being negative. I internalized the sensed rejection of my gift or the unequal reciprocation to mean something was wrong with me. As an adult, sometimes when faced with gift giving or receiving I tend to experience the same dysregulating feelings of inadequacy and enact the same negative coping behaviors. This usually results in “perceived” criticism from others (i.e. “You shouldn’t have.”) which only feeds more into my feelings of inadequacy. In restoration therapy this pattern is referred to as a pain cycle. When we experience a violation of love or trust we create meaning about our identity and/or safety. This meaning we create drives our actions and influences how we cope. The way others respond to our actions feeds back into our painful feelings. So in essence it’s never about the gifts but what they represent to us based on our past pain. It’s about the meaning we attach to them and thoughts we create about ourselves. The good news is we can also create new thoughts and feelings to break the pain cycle.

A good place to start is by gifting yourself with love and compassion, recognizing your cycle of pain and practicing what Professor Terry Hargrave calls your peace cycle. This is done by following these 4 simple steps:

  • Say what you feel…I feel unworthy
  • Say what you tend to do when you feel that way…When I feel unworthy I shame myself by being overly negative and apologetic
  • Say your truth…The truth is I am worthy of love & acceptance and I love & accept myself
  • Say what you will do differently…Therefore I will give freely with joy without apology and accept gifts with gratitude

Although I’m still not sure what I will get my husband for Christmas, I am certain that as I practice my peace cycle my emotions calm and I’m reminded that the greatest gift is love. Love keeps on giving and for this I am forever grateful.

May you experience peace as you choose to give and receive the gift of love to yourself and others this holiday season and always.

Happy Holidays!

Marriage and Money, Manageing money in marriage

Money Matters

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Money management is a top cause of relationship failures. The reason is that people have vastly different expectations of how money should be managed depending on their background and economic status. The main thing with money, just as with everything else in relationships, is to have open and honest communication. That’s easy to say! Here are some expert tips for managing money within a relationship that can benefit any couple.

  • Set guidelines and either stick to them or renegotiate, don’t let resentment build.
  • Allow for some financial freedom for everyone. It can be $10 or $500, but that ability to make decisions separately is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships. It contributes to the feeling that everyone has a separate worth.
  • Don’t hide spending habits. Ever. This is non-negotiable. Make it clear that any mistakes can be worked through and that you can make it work as partners, so that everyone is comfortable being honest.
  • Get real about your money. Set boundaries and live within them, so that excess spending doesn’t leave you regretting something. Never make big purchases without consulting your partner.
  • Money is not a weapon, don’t use it like one in your relationship or you’ll just skewer yourself.
  • If you find that you and your partner are arguing about money, take a step back and ask yourself – is this fight really over money or something else? It’s easy to use finances as a scapegoat.