Unmasking Ghosts: How to Banish Resentments and Reclaim Joy

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Today is Halloween and as I look at all the creative costumes on parade, my thoughts reflect on my first costume as a child. I’m probably dating myself, but it was Casper the Friendly Ghost. That was a long time ago, but this time of year our thoughts tend to turn to ghosts and ghouls that haunt the night for trick or treat. However, there’s a different kind of ghost that can linger in our lives that’s not so friendly but can be creative in the stories it weaves. These phantoms go about stealing our joy and casting a shadow over our present—these are the ghosts of past resentments. Much like the eerie specters that haunt old mansions, these resentments can be elusive, persistent, and downright spooky. So let’s explore how to exorcise these ghosts from our lives and embrace the light of joy. Here are some tips:

  1. Identify the Ghosts: Just as ghost hunters use special tools to detect paranormal activity, we can equip ourselves to identify the resentments that lurk in the shadows of our minds. Reflect on past experiences that still evoke negative emotions. Are there unresolved conflicts or lingering grudges? These are the ghosts that need to be confronted.
  2. Shine Light on the Shadows: Ghosts thrive in darkness, and so do resentments. It’s time to shine a light on these hidden emotions. Acknowledge the pain and hurt, and allow yourself to feel those emotions without judgment. Bringing them into the light lessens their power over your psyche.
  3. Confront the Ghosts: Ghosts lose their potency when confronted head-on. Similarly, facing your resentments is crucial for letting go. If possible, communicate your feelings with the person involved or seek closure within yourself. Confrontation doesn’t always mean direct interaction; it can also be a personal acknowledgment and acceptance.
  4. Use Ghost-busting Techniques: Employ ghost-busting techniques to banish these lingering spirits. Practice forgiveness, not for the benefit of others, but for your own peace of mind. Visualize releasing the resentment like releasing a ghost from a haunted house. Engage in mindfulness, meditation, or faith-building practices to create mental space for positivity and peace.
  5. Build a Protective Barrier: Once you’ve cleared your mental space, it’s essential to build a protective barrier against future haunting. Establish healthy boundaries in your relationships and learn to let go of minor grievances. Focus on the present moment rather than dwelling on past grievances.
  6. Create a Joyful Séance: Just as a séance is a gathering to communicate with spirits, create a positive gathering in your life to commune with the living. Surround yourself with supportive friends, engage in activities that bring you joy, and foster a sense of gratitude. Joyful experiences act as a shield against the ghosts of resentment.

Whether you celebrate Halloween or not, don’t let the ghosts of past resentments continue to haunt your present. Embrace the ghost-busting techniques, confront the shadows, and create a protective barrier against future haunting. By releasing these specters, you’ll discover a newfound sense of lightness and joy in your life. As the ghosts fade away, you’ll be free to enjoy the festivities of life without the chains of resentment weighing you down. And if you need a little more help, don’t be afraid to reach out to a licensed therapist for additional support or guidance. Be safe, and may your days be filled with joy!

Love, Loyalty, and Longevity: 4 Lessons from ‘Queen Charlotte’ on Enduring Love

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If you haven’t yet seen the Netflix series Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story, I highly recommend checking it out before reading this post. I just recently finished watching the captivating drama and was enthralled by the complexities of the characters and the myriad of timely topics addressed. Marriage, friendship, loneliness, responsibility, loyalty, love, family, and mental illness are among some of the issues depicted. As a marriage and family therapist, wife, and mother, I was particularly drawn to the portrayal of enduring love through many of life’s challenges.

In a world dominated by fleeting connections and temporary romances, the concept of long-term relationships can seem like an anomaly. However, this fictional story based on the historical wife of King George III, Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz, provides a fascinating portrayal of the challenges and joys that can arise from enduring partnerships. Through the lens of this enchanting period drama, we delve into the realities and rewards of long-term relationships and discover why they are truly worth cherishing. Here are four lessons we can learn.

  1. There Will Be Storms: As we immerse ourselves in the vibrant world of “Queen Charlotte,” we witness the tumultuous journey of many different relationships. The show highlights the importance of weathering the storms together, demonstrating that greater wisdom is often on the other side of the storm and lasting partnerships require resilience and support. When Queen Charlotte says to King George, “Hide from the heavens with me,” she is compassionately reminding him of their safe space together as they battle life’s storms.
  2. Vulnerability Creates Intimacy: Perhaps one of the most profound aspects of long-term relationships is the trust and vulnerability that comes with time. “Queen Charlotte” exemplifies this beautifully, as characters gradually unveil their deepest fears, desires, and insecurities to each other. It is through this vulnerability that true intimacy is achieved, fostering a bond that withstands the test of time. When King George reveals his fears to his bride by saying “I’m half a man, half a king…” Queen Charlotte replies “If what we have is half then we shall make it the very best half.”
  3. Shared Memories and Traditions Build Connection: Long-term relationships are often built upon a foundation of shared memories and traditions, providing a sense of continuity and belonging. In “Queen Charlotte,” we see characters cherishing and preserving their history through traditions, celebrations, and shared experiences. These bonds enrich the relationship and create a tapestry of moments that can be revisited and cherished for years to come. As Young Brimsley states, “It is Coronation Day. It does not matter if they speak, they must be united.”
  4. Love Is A Choice: In the words of Queen Charlotte, “Love is not a thing one is able or not able to do based on some magic. Some chemistry. That is for plays. Love is determination. Love is a choice one makes.” In long-term relationships, this choice is made daily. In healthy relationships this choice is born of little and big victories, commitment, kindness, compassion, grace, forgiveness, shared joys, and pain, vulnerabilities exchanged and honored, laughter, and a lifetime of saying yes to the work and rewards of love.

Enduring love, as depicted in “Queen Charlotte,” reveals some of the realities and rewards of lasting partnerships. As we witness the triumphs, setbacks, and unwavering commitment of the characters, we are reminded that love is not always easy but it can be undeniably worth fighting for. By weathering storms, unveiling vulnerabilities, nurturing shared memories and traditions, and choosing love daily, we can build profound and fulfilling connections that stand the test of time. Just as “Queen Charlotte” has captivated audiences with its rich portrayal of relationships, real-life long-term partnerships hold the potential for a love story that transcends time.

 

5 Ways To Grow Together as a Couple

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Springtime often prompts me to reflect on renewal and growth. Watching once-barren trees give life to new leaves and observing flower buds take form and bloom, reminds me of the beauty and necessity of our own growth as human beings. We are all changing and growing in some way whether we acknowledge it or not.  And sometimes this growth affects our long-term relationships. If we aren’t careful it’s easy to grow apart. Just like plants, relationships require care and effort to thrive. In fact, some plants grow well together and are even known to improve each other’s growth. I think couples can learn from this and focus on growing together to create a healthy, strong, and long-lasting loving relationship.

Here are five tips to help promote healthy growth as a couple.

1. Nurture the Soil

The soil is the foundation for any plant to grow. Similarly, the foundation of a healthy relationship is friendship, trust, and respect. To nurture the soil in your relationship, you need to make sure that these elements are present and maintained.

Communication is crucial in any relationship, so make sure you communicate openly and honestly with each other and cultivate your friendship. Trust is also essential, so avoid keeping secrets or hiding things from each other. Respect is equally important, so always treat each other with kindness and consideration.

2. Appreciate Differences

Just as some plants, like tomatoes, for example, grow better when planted next to certain types of plants like basil that protect from harmful pests and provide shade, couples can grow better when they appreciate complementary qualities. For instance, one person might be more outgoing, while the other is more introverted. This balance can help the relationship thrive, as each person brings something unique to the table.

3. Water and Feed

Plants require regular watering and feeding to grow healthy and strong. Similarly, couples need to invest time and effort in their relationship to help it thrive. This includes spending quality time together, being affectionate, and doing things that make each other happy.

4. Prune and Weed

Just like plants need pruning and weeding to remove dead leaves or invasive weeds, couples also need to address any negative habits or behaviors that could be harming the relationship. This might mean setting boundaries or addressing issues that are causing tension. Being open and honest with each other is key here.

5. Adapt to Changes

Most importantly, just as plants need to adapt to changes in their environment, couples also need to be adaptable. Life is full of unexpected changes, and being able to navigate them together can help strengthen the relationship. This might mean adapting to a new job or living situation or simply being flexible with each other’s schedules.

Growing together as a couple is essential for creating a healthy, strong, and long-lasting relationship. By nurturing the soil, appreciating complementary qualities, watering and feeding, pruning and weeding, and adapting to changes, you can help your relationship thrive. Just like plants that grow well together, couples can learn to work together, support each other, and create a healthy environment for their relationship to flourish.

If you are having difficulties in your relationship and would like some help, please give my office a call to schedule a free phone consultation.

Top 3 Myths About Marriage

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Marriage is one of the most significant and life-changing milestones in a person’s life. However, it’s also one of the most misunderstood institutions in the world. Over the years, many myths have emerged about marriage that have shaped people’s perceptions of the institution. In this post, we’ll explore the top three myths about marriage.

Myth #1: Marriage is Easy

One of the most pervasive myths about marriage is that it’s easy or “should” be easy. Many people believe that once they find the right person, they’ll live happily ever after. However, the truth is that marriage takes work. It requires effort, compromise, and sacrifice from both partners.

Marriage is not just about finding the right person; it’s about building a life together. It involves creating a strong foundation of trust, respect, and communication that will allow the relationship to thrive. This requires ongoing effort and dedication from both partners.

Unfortunately, the myth that marriage is easy can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment. Many couples give up on their marriage when they encounter challenges because they believe that if it’s meant to be, it will be easy. In reality, every relationship has its ups and downs, and it’s the couples who are willing and able to put in the work that will succeed.

Myth #2: Marriage Will Solve All Your Problems

Another common myth about marriage is that it will solve all your problems. Many people believe that once they get married, all their problems will disappear. They’ll have someone to share their life with, and everything will be perfect.

However, the truth is that marriage will not solve all your problems. In fact, it can create new ones. When two people come together in marriage, they bring their individual strengths and weaknesses. While these differences can complement each other, they can also cause conflict.

Marriage is not a magic solution to life’s problems. It requires couples to work together to overcome challenges and find solutions. This means that couples must be willing to face their problems head-on and work together to find solutions.

Myth #3: Marriage Will Complete Me

The third myth about marriage is that it will complete me. Many people believe that finding the right person will make them whole and complete. However, the truth is that no one can complete you but yourself.

Marriage is not about finding someone to fill a void or make you feel complete. It’s about finding a partner who complements you and supports you in your personal growth. Both partners should be able to maintain their individuality while building a life together.

Believing that marriage will complete you can put undue pressure on your partner and the relationship. It can also lead to disappointment and disillusionment when the reality of marriage doesn’t meet your expectations.

Marriage is a complex institution that requires effort, dedication, and cooperation from both partners. There are many myths about marriage that can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment. By understanding the realities of marriage and being willing to work together, couples can build strong and healthy relationships that stand the test of time.

5 Fundamentals of Healthy Relationships and Why They’re Challenging

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Maintaining a healthy loving relationship is vital for personal well-being, happiness, and fulfillment. It requires effort, patience, understanding, and consistent work. Many of us already know about some of the key elements that can help in maintaining a healthy relationship. Things like good communication, compromise, trust, forgiveness, and being true to yourself and your values all play pivotal roles. However, there’s often more to it and even these 5 fundamental elements can be challenging to put into practice at times. Here are some reasons why.

Good communication takes certain skills that not everyone has learned to practice effectively. It’s not just about using words and it’s not always easy. It requires honesty and being able to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a clear and respectful manner. It also means being able to listen actively to your partner and trying to understand their perspective. All of this can get very complicated when emotions, past history, resentments, and trauma come flooding in.

Compromise is another element that’s often discussed when trying to maintain a healthy relationship. And while being able to find a middle ground and make mutual decisions that benefit both partners sounds reasonable and good on paper, it often poses difficulties. The very definition of compromise is a mutual “concession” or accepting standards that are “lower than desired.” And who wants that? No one wants to lose or feel like something important is taken from them. If we feel that the scales are unbalanced and over time one partner is compromising more or more often, this can build resentment and lead to contempt which is a relationship killer. Learning how to cooperate and re-frame unhelpful narratives to more of a “win/win,” requires patience and maturity that only happens with practice over time.

Trust is crucial for any healthy relationship, but what happens when trust has been broken or if past history has made it feel unsafe to trust or even feel comfortable knowing how to trust? It takes time to build trust and it requires consistency, honesty, and transparency. It also takes self-work to help heal past traumas, set healthy boundaries as well as keep promises, and be reliable, dependable, and worthy of trust.

Forgiveness is also an important aspect of a healthy relationship. It’s normal to make mistakes and experience hurt and misunderstandings, but it’s essential to be able to forgive and give each other a chance for restoration. Forgiveness is not about forgetting, but it’s about granting grace, moving forward, and learning from past mistakes. It is also a learned process that involves knowing how to ask for, grant, and accept forgiveness in a healing way that is not superficial but really genuine.

Being true to yourself and your values is another important component in maintaining a healthy relationship. It’s important to maintain your individuality and to be true to yourself and what you believe. This means not hiding your authentic self for the sake of the relationship. This might be challenging if you are not sure of who you are or what you value or if you don’t feel accepted for your authentic self. It can also contribute to emotional turmoil if you tend to be a people pleaser, have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, and/or fear being alone more than betraying yourself.

So you can see some of the reasons why maintaining a healthy relationship takes continuous effort and requires more than just patience, understanding, and a willingness to work on the relationship. Communication, cooperation, trust, forgiveness, and being true to yourself are all important elements that can help you create a strong, lasting relationship. However, each of these elements can be difficult to practice effectively without some help or guidance. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist I help couples and individuals improve the quality of their relationships. In my book Blockbuster Love: Lessons from the Movies on How to Create Lasting Love, I use movies to help discuss and depict ways to practice these elements more effectively. I’ve also created a workbook, which provides activities and reflection questions to aid in creating the love you desire. It’s free for a limited time by simply clicking here and signing up to be on my mailing list. If you are experiencing distress in your relationship and would like to speak with a therapist, please call 818-806-9170 to schedule a free 10-minute phone consultation.

Remember, relationships take work, and it’s important to be patient, understanding, and compassionate with yourself and each other. Always strive to learn from each other and make a constant effort to improve your relationship. You’re worth it!

Top 5 Tips for Balancing Goal-Setting and Your Mental Health

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It’s a new year! And, if you’re like many people, you might be reflecting on 2022 and setting new resolutions and goals for 2023. Interestingly, the practice of making resolutions dates back to ancient times, when people would make vows to the gods at the start of the new year to bring good fortune in the year ahead. Now, it’s become common practice to make promises to ourselves or set goals at the beginning of a new year to improve some aspect of our lives.

While this can be a great way to make positive changes in your life, it’s important to approach goal-setting in a way that is healthy and sustainable. This is especially true when it comes to our mental health, which can be deeply affected by the way we set and pursue our goals.

One of the keys to successful goal-setting is to make sure your goals are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound. This helps to ensure that your goals are clear and achievable, rather than vague or unrealistic. It can also be helpful to break larger goals down into smaller, more manageable steps. Focusing on one day at a time, one task, and one moment instead of looking at the whole year also helps to make achieving your goals more enjoyable and less overwhelming.

However, it’s important not to get so caught up in the pursuit of achieving the goals that you lose sight of the lessons in the process. It’s okay to make mistakes or have setbacks along the way. What we may preserve as a mistake or setback can be a valuable opportunity to learn and grow. It’s important to be kind to yourself and recognize that progress takes time. Remember to celebrate your successes, no matter how small they may seem, and take breaks when needed.

It’s also important to prioritize your mental health when setting goals. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or anxious, it may be helpful to take a step back and reassess your goals. It’s okay to adjust your goals, practice relaxation, and perhaps speak with a therapist. It’s important to remember that self-care is a crucial part of achieving your goals and maintaining good mental health.

There are many different ways to prioritize your mental health when setting goals. Some strategies include:

  • Setting goals that align with your values and priorities
  • Being realistic about what you can achieve and how much time it will take
  • Setting aside time for relaxation and self-care
  • Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist
  • Being flexible and willing to adjust your goals as needed

It’s no doubt that goal-setting can be a powerful tool for making positive changes in your life. Prioritizing your mental health is key to achieving your goals and living a fulfilling life. Remember to be kind to yourself, set specific and achievable goals, and prioritize self-care and relaxation. And if you need additional support from a mental health professional I’m here to help. Just give my office a call at 818-806-9170. With these strategies, you are well on your way to setting and achieving your goals while also taking care of your mental well-being. May you have a happy and healthy New Year!

5 Tips For Managing Stress During The Holidays

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It’s the holiday season and traditionally this time of year is thought to be one of joy and celebration. However, for many people, it can also be a source of stress. Between shopping for gifts, attending parties, and dealing with family dynamics, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. However, there are things you can do to manage your stress during the holidays and make this time of year more enjoyable.

One of the most important things you can do to manage stress during the holidays is to set realistic expectations for yourself. This means not trying to do too much in too little time and being okay with saying no to invitations or tasks that are not a priority. It’s also important to be mindful of your budget and not overspend. Debt and financial concerns are major contributors to holiday stress.

Another key to managing stress during the holidays is to make time for self-care. This can include activities like exercising, meditating, or simply taking a few minutes to relax and unwind. It’s also important to get enough sleep, eat healthily, and make sure you have enough downtime to recharge.

One way to reduce stress during the holidays is to delegate tasks and responsibilities. This can be as simple as asking a family member to help with cooking or assigning tasks to different people when hosting a holiday party. It’s okay to ask for help and share the workload, especially during a busy time of year.

It’s also important to practice good communication during the holidays. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed out, don’t be afraid to talk about it with a friend or family member. They may be able to offer support or suggestions for ways to manage your stress.

If you’re feeling particularly overwhelmed, it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a mental health professional. As a psychotherapist, I help my clients develop healthy coping strategies and provide support during stressful times.

Another way to manage stress during the holidays is to make time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation. This could be spending time with loved ones, participating in your favorite hobbies, listening to music, or simply taking a walk in nature. It’s important to prioritize activities that help you feel grounded and calm.

Finally, it’s important to remember that it’s okay to take a break from the holiday hustle and bustle. It’s okay to say no to a party or event if you need to, and it’s okay to spend some time alone if that’s what you need. Say yes to you! Taking care of yourself is crucial to managing stress during the holidays.

So remember, managing stress during the holidays is all about setting realistic expectations.

  • Practice Self-care
  • Delegate Tasks
  • Communicate Effectively
  • Seek Support if Needed
  • Make Time for Activities that Bring Joy and Relaxation

If you’re feeling overwhelmed this holiday season, try these tips to help you experience less stress and more comfort and joy at this time of year.

The Best Way to Manage Election Anxiety? Control Your Controllables

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Studies are showing that this year’s election is triggering a higher level of anxiety in more people than ever before. Many people are worried that our Democracy is at stake and they fear that our health, safety, and future are at risk. The barrage of negative campaign ads and conspiracy theories, in addition to increased isolation due to COVID-19 and continued racial violence and injustice, have all heighten the fears of many Americans. Besides worry and excessive fear, many people are also experiencing trouble sleeping, increased or decreased appetite, sadness, irritability, muscle tension, avoidance, trouble concentrating, and feeling on edge. These are all symptoms related to anxiety, depression, and acute stress. So how do you manage these symptoms? What do you do when faced with uncertainty? What do you do when you feel out of control? The best thing to do is to identify the things within your control and practice them to the best of your ability. Here are just a few:

• Take Deep Mindful Breaths – Focusing on the breath and deeply inhaling and exhaling relaxes the body and mind. Relaxation plays an important role in helping to regulate our emotional responses. Start by taking a few slow deep breaths. Inhale deeply and hold for 2 counts then exhale fully. Inhale and allow your belly to extend like a balloon filling with air then exhale as if you are letting all the air out of the balloon. You can even say to yourself the healthy things you are inhaling (i.e. peace, joy, love…) and exhale things you are releasing (i.e. worry, fear, anger…). Incorporating gratitude with each breath is also a helpful tool.
• Exercise Your Right to Vote – Voting matters and the ability to vote is within your control. Many people fought, died, and bled for this right and it is one of the ways to let your voice be heard. Voting is a powerful tool for expressing your desires and asserting your feelings. Advocating for yourself and others can lead to a sense of empowerment that contributes to overall health and wellbeing.
• Take a Break from the News – There is nothing wrong with staying informed. However, news reports often capitalize on what will win the most attention to increase ratings. These reports are sometimes speculative and fixate on threats that can arouse our nervous system. In order to reduce anxiety, it’s important to separate facts from fiction and take control of what information you take in. It’s also important not to feast on a steady diet of news but to take breaks and maybe watch a comedy or just turn the TV and other devices off altogether.
• Manage Your Expectations – Our expectations play a big role in our emotional responses. It’s important to have realistic expectations and those that are not tied to a specific and uncontrollable outcome. For example, if you are expecting a clear winner on Election Day and that doesn’t happen, the tension of uncertainty is prolonged. However, if you don’t expect it you can engage in other calming activities and stay grounded in the present, taking each day as it comes.
• Practice Good Self-Care – Some people falsely think of self-care as a luxury when in actuality it is ESSENTIAL. If you do not take care of yourself, you burnout, your immune system is compromised and you are unable to function in a healthy way. There are simple ways to practice good self-care like taking breaks, getting adequate sleep, eating healthy foods, exercising, going for walks, talking with friends, or listening to nature sounds or your favorite music. It’s also important to speak kindly to yourself and show yourself compassion. Speak comforting words to yourself as you might to someone you care about. How you nourish yourself is self-care and it helps to have a plan that you implement regularly.

If you are having difficulty practicing healthy coping strategies and your symptoms persist and cause distress, please contact a health care professional to help get you on the path to peace and wellbeing.

How to Manage Your Fear

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Everyday there seems to be new reports of confirmed cases of COVID-19. As of this writing there were 247 reported cases in California, according to the CA Department of public health. Of these cases, the LA Times is now reporting 54 of them are in LA County and that number seems to be rising. Although these numbers are still lower in comparison to other parts of the world, it has raised serious concerns in our community. The World Health Organization declared the COVID-19 outbreak a global pandemic.

In response to this outbreak, schools are transitioning to online instruction, events are being cancelled, and people are self-quarantining and working from home in an effort to stop the spread of this virus. The term “social distancing” is trending and panic shopping as well as stockpiling are triggering shortages of common items.

Like many of you, I’ve felt a bit concerned too. Just a few days ago I went to the store looking for hand sanitizer and there was none to be found. The cashier told me that one person came in earlier and bought the whole shelf. I also went to several stores looking for toilet paper only to be greeted by empty shelves with no certainty of when they would be restocked. News reports are showing people fighting over these basic supplies and stocking up on water. Anxiety is often contagious. Fearful messages can spread panic like an uncovered cough or sneeze. When faced with all this social contagion it can be challenging to manage anxiety when so much seems out of our control and others are panicking on a daily basis. However, taking action in the following ways can help you maximize what is within your control and help calm some of your fears.

#1 Get the facts – Resist getting caught up in rumors. There is a lot of misinformation circulating. It’s important to do your homework and make sure you are getting factual information through trusted sources and keeping this information in a healthy perspective. Holding on to what you know to be true, while also holding space for the unknown instead of speculating in fear, is key to maintaining a sense of balance and some peace. You may also want to talk to a trusted health professional to process your concerns. The Center for Disease Control offers up to date information on their website https://www.cdc.gov/ and so does the World Health Organization at https://www.who.int/

#2 Plan and prepare – Follow CDC recommendations by washing your hands frequently with soap and warm water for at least 20 seconds. Keep your hands and fingers away from your eyes, nose and mouth as much as possible. Wipe door knobs, telephones and frequently used items and surfaces with sanitizing wipes. Avoid large crowds when possible and don’t go out if it’s not necessary. Drink water to stay hydrated and get adequate rest. If you are experiencing discomfort or difficulty with breathing, or are experiencing flu like symptoms seek medical attention. And if stocking up on food and water for 2-4 weeks eases your mind, then go ahead and do it! Make a plan for school closures and childcare. Having a plan and feeling prepared can help alleviate stress.

#3 Practice relaxation – When you feel anxious and stressed, your brain floods your nervous system with hormones and chemicals all designed to help you respond to a threat. This leads to a flight or fight emotional response that can be very useful in keeping you safe from actual danger. However, when that emotional response is fueled by social contagion, a fear of uncertainty and horror stories that we tell ourselves, it can go into overdrive and override our cognitive brain functioning. That’s were relaxation comes in. Practicing relaxation helps regulate our emotional responses by calming the emotional brain and nervous system to help reduce emotional reactivity and activate our cognitive brain. There are several ways to practice relaxation. Here are a few:

           • Deep breathing – Start by taking a few slow deep breaths. Inhale deeply and hold for 2 counts then exhale fully. Inhale and allow your belly to extend like a balloon filling with air then exhale as if you are letting all the air out of the balloon. You can even say to yourself the healthy things you are inhaling (i.e. peace, joy, love…) and exhale things you are releasing (i.e. worry, fear, anger…).
          • Meditation – People have varying ideas about meditation, however, there are many different ways to meditate that are not at all tied to any particular religious practice. Simply spending some quiet time in mindful reflection and awareness of our breath, our bodies and emotional state has been scientifically proven to reduce stress, lower blood pressure and control your emotions. Try it for at least 10 minutes a day. There are several meditation apps available to help guide this practice (i.e. Calm, Headspace etc.).
          • Grounding – This strategy helps to detach from emotional pain and keep you centered and feeling safe. In some ways it can be similar to meditation. There are 3 types of grounding. 1) Physical 2) Mental and 3) Emotional. You can practice physical grounding by jumping up and down, exercising or running cool or warm water on your hands. You can practice mental grounding by counting backwards from 100 to 2 by even numbers (i.e. 100, 98, 96…), solving puzzles or spending a few minutes identifying colors you see around you or sounds you hear. Emotional grounding can be practiced by looking at pictures that bring you joy, thinking of things that make you smile, playing with a pet or child.
          • Self-Care – Some people falsely think of self-care as a luxury when in actuality it is ESSENTIAL. If you do not take care of yourself, you burnout, your immune system is compromised and you are unable to function in a healthy way. There are simple ways to practice good self-care like taking breaks, getting adequate sleep, eating healthy foods, exercising, going for a walks or listening to nature sounds or your favorite music. It’s also important to speak kindly to yourself and show yourself compassion. Speak comforting words to yourself like you might to someone you care about. How you nourish yourself is self-care and it helps to have a plan that you implement regularly.
          • Gratitude – It’s easy to take simple things for granted sometimes. Keeping a gratitude journal can help you keep track of things that are good and for which you are grateful. Even when things seem bad, there is always something to be grateful for and something good. Even though our thoughts often overlap, it is very difficult to hold 2 opposing thoughts with the same focus at the same time. Therefore, the more you focus on gratitude the less likely you are to hold panic. Practicing gratitude daily helps you relax and slows the brains reactivity down by redirecting it towards more beneficial and peaceful thoughts.

The truth is that panicked and impulsive reactions can often be more problematic than the threat itself. Practicing these tools that are all within our control can help us navigate these turbulent times with a greater sense of calm to aid in making wise decisions. No one knows with all certainty what will happen in the future. But what we do know for sure is the sky is still blue, the sun is in the sky, and the earth is on its axis. We know there are experts and healthcare providers working hard on solutions. We have the ability to make choices and choose to follow CDC recommendations. We can choose to reframe our thoughts and use this as an opportunity to spend more time with our kids who may be home from school, or check up on the elderly.

We have the power to seek and speak truth, take positive actions and choose love and hope over fear. May you maximize all that is still good as we persevere through this human journey together.

Wishing you Wellness and Peace Always,
Lisa Locke, LMFT

Facing Regrets

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Lessons About Fear, Poor Communication and Missed Opportunities

Last night, my husband and I went to see the movie The Photograph. If you haven’t seen it yet, you might want to check it out before reading this post, but I will try to avoid major spoilers. Although I mistakenly went into this movie expecting more of a romantic comedy, I was not disappointed with the overall story and performances in this romantic drama. I not only greatly appreciated the representation of Black love on the big screen, but I also enjoyed the thematic elements used to illustrate this budding love story.

In the movie, Issa Rae’s character (Mae) receives a letter from her recently deceased mother and is processing her loss and the history of their complex mother-daughter relationship. As Mae struggles to understand her mother as a famous photographer and a woman she really didn’t know, she meets Michael, played by Lakeith Stanfield. Michael is getting over a recent break-up and is a reporter that happens to be investigating a story in Louisiana, which is Mae’s mother’s hometown. In his pursuit of information for his story, he interviews longtime resident, Isaac, played by Rob Morgan. Isaac reveals to Michael his own sense of regret and shows Michael the photograph of his lost love, Christiana (Mae’s mother), played by Chanté Adams. The intertwining of these two love stories is poignant and reveals heartfelt truths about the impact of fear, lack of communication and missed opportunities in romantic relationships.

As human beings we all experience fear at different times and to varying degrees. Fear is our body’s natural response to perceived danger. In relationships, the perceived threat of emotional pain that may come from rejection and loss of connection can be enough to disrupt and interfere with any chance of lasting love. In the film Isaac feared change, Christiana feared stagnation, Mae feared becoming her mother and not knowing how to love, and Michael feared making mistakes and not knowing what to say. The way we navigate our fears is directly tied to our sense of peace and wellbeing. Just as the characters in the film, we all make choices.  In doing so, it’s important that we wisely evaluate risks and benefits in light of what is true about who we are and who we are becoming. Fear is not all bad. It can provide valuable information for us. However, it is important to see it for what is and not allow ourselves to be solely ruled by it.

Poor communication is also the culprit of many mishaps and regrets. Sometimes what’s not said is just as problematic as what is said. This fact shows up many times throughout the movie. In an effort not to spoil the plot I won’t get into details. However, it’s safe to say that all the characters suffered from not practicing honest and clear communication. Reasons for this can also be tied to fear, insecurity and lack of awareness. The good news is communication skills can be learned and do not have to be the downfall of a relationship. Again, open and honest communication can provide information and an opportunity for us to make informed choices and experience growth and maturity.

Lamenting missed opportunities can be a source of great emotional pain. Michael ends up writing an article entitled Loss, and that is exactly the feeling that is often described in response to perceived missed opportunities. We grieve the loss of what we think might have been. We tell ourselves a story of greener grass on the other side and regret our choices and decisions. Beating ourselves up over the past is not helpful, but learning from it and moving on with wisdom is the best we can do. It’s important to recognize that no one is perfect. And on our human journey, we are all trying to do the best with the information, resources and set of experiences we have at the given time. This recognition not only helps reduce some of our fears and improve our communication with others, but it also allows for self-compassion and compassion toward others that results in a greater sense of peace and harmony in our relationships and our world.

If you are experiencing distress in your relationships and would like to speak with a therapist please call 818-806-9170 to schedule a free 10-minute phone consultation.

To purchase a copy of Lisa Locke’s book Blockbuster Love – Part1: Romance: Lessons from the Movies on How to Create Lasting Love, click here. If you would like to be on the waiting list for the upcoming book Blockbuster Love – Part2: Reality: Lessons from the Movies on How to Create Lasting Love, like the Blockbuster Love Facebook page or view my website at LisaLockeMFT.com